[ quietly: ] There was no magic. There were no enchantments. I didn't teach them to make swords! I didn't teach them war. If there was knowledge amongst other people on Earth, and I knew of that, I told them. That in the valley of another river, men knew how to gather wheat with scythes! That there were Ophanim in Heaven, Angels who were round, Angels who were wheels, and that if this shape were imitated in matter, if a simple piece of wood connected two round pieces, one could make an object which would roll upon these wheels!
[ sighs ] I was sleepless, I was crazed. As the knowledge poured forth from me, as they were worn down by it, and struggled under the burden of it, I went to the caves and carved my symbols on the walls. I carved pictures of Heaven and Earth and angels. I carved the light of God. I worked tirelessly until every mortal muscle in me ached.
And then, unable to endure their company anymore, satiated with beautiful women, and clinging to Lilia for comfort and affection, I went off into the forest, claiming I needed to talk to God in silence, and there I collapsed.
I lay in perfect stillness, comforted by the silent presence of Lilia, and I thought of all that had taken place. I thought of the case I had meant to lay before God, and how what I had learnt since had only fitted neatly into the case I had meant to make! Nothing I had seen in men could incline me to think differently. That I had offended God, that I had lost Him forever, that I had Sheol to look forward to, for all eternity, these things were real and I knew them, and they beat on my soul and heart. But I couldn't change my mind!
The case I had meant to lay before the Almighty was that these people were above Nature and beyond Nature and demanded more of Him, and all that I had seen only upheld me in what I believed. How they had taken to celestial secrets. How they suffered, and sought for some meaning to justify that suffering! If only there were a Maker and the Maker had his reasons... Oh, it was agony. And at the heart of it blazed the secret of lust.
In the orgasm, as my seed had gone into the women, I had felt an ecstasy that was like the joy of Heaven. I had felt it and felt it only in connection with the body that lay beneath me, and for one split second or less than that I had known, known, known that men were not part of Nature, no, they were better, and they belonged with God and with us!
When they came to me with their few confused beliefs - were there not invisible monsters everywhere? - I told them no. Only God and the Heavenly Court which ordained everything, and the souls of their own in Sheol.
When they asked if bad men and women - who did not obey their laws - were not thrown at death into fire forever - an idea very current amongst them and others - I was horrified, and told them that God would never allow such a thing. A wee newborn soul to be punished in fire forever? Atrocity, I told them. Once again, I said to them that they should venerate the souls of the Dead to ease their own pain and the pain of those Souls, and that when death came they should not be afraid but go easily in the gloom and keep their eyes on the brilliant light of Life on Earth.
I said most of these things because I simply didn't know what to say.
Oh, blasphemy. I had done it, I had really done it. And now what would be my fate? I would grow old and die, a venerated teacher, and before I did - or before some pestilence or wild beast cut off my life sooner - I would engrave into stone and clay everything I could. And then into Sheol I would go, and I would begin to draw the souls to me, and I would say, 'Cry, cry to Heaven!' I would teach them to look upward. I would say the Light is there!
[ he takes a breath, as if each word burns in him a pain. ] 'And now, behold the souls of those who have died are crying and making suit to the gates of heaven.'
And who knew what might happen? Who knew! Yes, yes, I would strengthen Sheol until those cries battered Heaven's gate and brought them down. If you have souls and your souls can grow, then you can be as angels! That was the only hope I had, to rule amongst the forgotten of God.
no subject
[ sighs ] I was sleepless, I was crazed. As the knowledge poured forth from me, as they were worn down by it, and struggled under the burden of it, I went to the caves and carved my symbols on the walls. I carved pictures of Heaven and Earth and angels. I carved the light of God. I worked tirelessly until every mortal muscle in me ached.
And then, unable to endure their company anymore, satiated with beautiful women, and clinging to Lilia for comfort and affection, I went off into the forest, claiming I needed to talk to God in silence, and there I collapsed.
I lay in perfect stillness, comforted by the silent presence of Lilia, and I thought of all that had taken place. I thought of the case I had meant to lay before God, and how what I had learnt since had only fitted neatly into the case I had meant to make! Nothing I had seen in men could incline me to think differently. That I had offended God, that I had lost Him forever, that I had Sheol to look forward to, for all eternity, these things were real and I knew them, and they beat on my soul and heart. But I couldn't change my mind!
The case I had meant to lay before the Almighty was that these people were above Nature and beyond Nature and demanded more of Him, and all that I had seen only upheld me in what I believed. How they had taken to celestial secrets. How they suffered, and sought for some meaning to justify that suffering! If only there were a Maker and the Maker had his reasons... Oh, it was agony. And at the heart of it blazed the secret of lust.
In the orgasm, as my seed had gone into the women, I had felt an ecstasy that was like the joy of Heaven. I had felt it and felt it only in connection with the body that lay beneath me, and for one split second or less than that I had known, known, known that men were not part of Nature, no, they were better, and they belonged with God and with us!
When they came to me with their few confused beliefs - were there not invisible monsters everywhere? - I told them no. Only God and the Heavenly Court which ordained everything, and the souls of their own in Sheol.
When they asked if bad men and women - who did not obey their laws - were not thrown at death into fire forever - an idea very current amongst them and others - I was horrified, and told them that God would never allow such a thing. A wee newborn soul to be punished in fire forever? Atrocity, I told them. Once again, I said to them that they should venerate the souls of the Dead to ease their own pain and the pain of those Souls, and that when death came they should not be afraid but go easily in the gloom and keep their eyes on the brilliant light of Life on Earth.
I said most of these things because I simply didn't know what to say.
Oh, blasphemy. I had done it, I had really done it. And now what would be my fate? I would grow old and die, a venerated teacher, and before I did - or before some pestilence or wild beast cut off my life sooner - I would engrave into stone and clay everything I could. And then into Sheol I would go, and I would begin to draw the souls to me, and I would say, 'Cry, cry to Heaven!' I would teach them to look upward. I would say the Light is there!
[ he takes a breath, as if each word burns in him a pain. ] 'And now, behold the souls of those who have died are crying and making suit to the gates of heaven.'
And who knew what might happen? Who knew! Yes, yes, I would strengthen Sheol until those cries battered Heaven's gate and brought them down. If you have souls and your souls can grow, then you can be as angels! That was the only hope I had, to rule amongst the forgotten of God.