CLOSED ♔ this failure has made the creator

[behindcloseddoors]

WHO || Rafael, Buffy
WHAT || Raf & Buffy find a hotel while laying low from Iscariot
WHERE || Outside Venice, Italy
WHEN || June 8th, 2014, morning.
HOW || Actionspam. Single thread.

Hunted by Iscariot, disheartened by revelations, and without a place to stay after finding Rafael's house burned down, Raf, Des, and Buffy found a hotel right outside Venice to stay at, paid in cash, and settled in for a few hours of sleep.  Des demanded his own room, so Buffy & Rafael are sharing (2 beds).  Fucking exhausted and drained, Raf sets down the keys and sits on the edge of his bed, rubbing his nose with his thumb and forefinger, and then flopping backwards.  

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[slay]

[ by the time buffy finally sits down on the edge of her bed, on the edge facing rafael’s, she’s shaking. exhaustion caught up about an hour ago, and now that they’ve stopped moving, there’s nothing else to focus on. she stares at her trembling fingers, feeling acutely fragile. finally, she closes one hand into a fist and looks up as rafael falls back. ]

Can I ask you something?

[ moving her hands to press into the mattress beside her, buffy hunches her shoulders and begins to toe off her shoes gingerly. she doesn't wait for confirmation. ]

Why do you want to come back with me to the Knights?

[romanticidal]

[ he stares up at the ceiling for a moment, before pushing back up to sitting with a sigh, feet hanging off the end of his bed so that he's not facing her directly. ] Is it not obvious?

[ maybe. maybe not. ] I wish to speak to Wynn. If you think he will speak to me.

[slay]

I think he will. [ wynn has never seemed the type to turn someone away that has it in them to do real good. he’d believed in buffy and spike when there was no reason to; he still tries to get des to join their ranks. he’ll make time. ] I just wanted to be sure what exactly you wanna talk to him about. [ because she realizes now, settling down, that maybe jumping to the rafael wants to be a knight conclusion was precisely that: a hasty conclusion. ]

[romanticidal]

Ah. That. [ he seems a bit reluctant, but as he slowly kicks off his shoes, it's clear why as he offers an explanation ] I did not mean to keep anything more from you, carina. You know this, I hope.

What you have learned about me tonight [ er, last night, whatever ] is something I have found... very difficult to reconcile with myself.

I think Wynn has met many men and women who have lost themselves. It seems a great part of what he does. I was hoping he may--

[slay]

[ despite his reluctance, she offers a weary smile and nods. even given what had transpired the night before, she believes that—and perhaps more importantly, she’s not looking for a reason not to. ] Have a way to help with the finding?

[ she’s afraid it sounds too hopeful, but the words slip out anyway. ]

If you want it, I'm sure you could have a place with us. You know that, right?

[romanticidal]

[ he finally looks over, staring at her with a conflicted expression for a long moment. ]

It would be nice, to believe such a thing. But--

Buffy, I have watched you and your friends for quite some time now. Watched you and how you face the challenges that come to you.

You've shown me what it means, to be the sort of person with honor who belongs to such a calling.

I am still a very far cry from such a man.

[slay]

[ as he looks over, buffy pushes up to stand on bare feet, toes curling against the thin carpet. her gaze holds firmly level on his. ]

But, you’re trying to reach it.

[ to her, it’s the only thing that matters. she has to believe that—if she didn’t, she’d have gone crazy by now. they’ve been striving to complete this mission for years; it’s all she can remember, and some days it hardly feels like they’ve made any progress. what’s worse, she’s watched it consume her friends and family and twist them into something that they’re not.

trying to reach is the best many of them can manage—certainly someone like buffy, who neither deserves to stand with myri or elena, nor succeeds in overcoming any of those challenges that rafael is praising her for. the one thing she could contribute is gone now, courtesy of iscariot. where does that leave her? ]

I’ve gotten to know you pretty well too, you know—but even before that … [ she weighs her words, deciding if she believes them fully enough to say. ] I’ve always been able to see the blood on your hands, Rafael. I think that’s part of why this has always felt so … [ (wis 20 total to ... self-analyze i guess.) so what? how does she describe the pull he has over her without making it sound like she’s twisting this into being about something different than the point. she lets it go, settling down to sit beside him on his bed. even before she learned the truth or realized why it was, she'd been drawn to him. the more she learned, the more that feeling was simply given context. now she feels certain saying it is something that she'd seen of herself in him. ]

There are always going to be dark parts of me; sometimes I feel like I can’t get through a day without choking on them. [ death follows her, plagues her in a way that she can’t explain. the harsh whisper in her ear. the blood pouring from the worst of her nightmares of lives that were never really her own. ] But that’s not all there is—because I don’t want it to be, and neither do you. I’ve seen light inside of you, and love. No matter how far off you think it is, you will reach it. I wanna be there with you when you step back into the light. [ she holds out one hand in offering, not going so far as to reach out to clasp his. ] I want to help you find your way. [ because she would venture to say that she knows better than anyone that it's impossible to stay there without people to support you and hold onto. because he belongs to this as much as she does, even if he can't see that like she does. ]

[romanticidal]

[ ♬ find my way - nine inch nails

he looks down at her hand as she speaks, and a tiny bittersweet smile touches his lips. he places his in hers, twining their fingers together and giving her hand a squeeze. ]

I do not know where I would be without you, carina. Some days... it frightens me to think.

[ he drags his eyes up to hers, pained gratitude mixed with a slight sense of wonder at the truth in his own words.

beyond him, the curtain flutters in front of the door to the balcony - a spot 10+ notices movement out there. something black steps out of view. ]

[slay]

[ she

crit failed.

that’s literally the only way for her to fail this spot check and it happened.

buffy, it seems, is too wrapped up in rafael’s eyes with a pained and hopeful expression. she wants nothing more than to help him get to where he can believe that he’s the man she thinks he is, to where he isn’t afraid of his own choices. ]

Let’s not find out.

[ her hand closes around his, dropping to rest between them on the edge of the bed. ]

[romanticidal]

Si. [ that's all he manages to say, before he tugs her hand gently but insistently as he shifts to lie down on the bed. there's nothing really suggestive about it, but it's clear that he wants her there with him as he sighs and presses his curly hair against the pillow, eyes drifting shut. ] We should get a few hours while we can.

[slay]

[ she settles in comfortably at his side, facing him and keeping her hand twined in his. her agreement comes in the movement, though even as his eyes close, hers remain open to study his countenance a moment longer, as if trying to memorize this moment. finally, a very nearly peaceful smile settles onto her face. her eyes shut. ]

[romanticidal]

[ sleepy italian is sleepy so she can hear his breathing even out beside her very quickly as he passes out almost immediately upon shutting his eyes.

there's only the sounds of the city outside, a moment of peace, and while buffy lingers on the edge of unconsciousness, she might not know if she's dreaming or awake when she hears an unfamiliar male voice say, as if right next to her ear, despite no one being there:

Buffy Summers.

there's nothing threatening in the abruptness of this, which is unsettling in itself because SHOULDN'T IT SET OFF ALARMS OR SOMETHING but instead she just feels remarkably at peace, as if this all only makes sense somehow.

she'd realize, without knowing how, that someone is here to speak with her, and that someone is right outside on the balcony. ]

[slay]

[ her wis is 10 so at first she just thinks it’s rafael, and her languid smile widen. she moves her free hand to settle against his chest, as if he needs the affirmation, but she realizes then that he’s still enough and his breathing’s slow enough that he is … not awake. and that wasn’t his voice.

in her mind.

yeah, ok, she’s sleep deprived. her eyes open and while one might think that would help her feel less like she’s dreaming, she’s drifting off to sleep with rafael after two months of not seeing him and a full 24 hours of horror, so that’s not so much. something surreal persists. she sits up, carefully disentangling her hand from his (move silently 26).

she hesitates for a moment, brushing her hand against his hair affectionately, then slips off the bed and paces over to pull the balcony door open, peering outside NEW AND IMPROVED SPOT 23. ]

june 8th evening ♔ wynn, buffy

[slay]

[ honestly, buffy doesn't even start with what she came back in here to say, because seeing rafael entirely changed her approach. she's not sure she even wants to tell wynn at this point, because her desire to do so had been born out of trust and loyalty to the kind of person who wouldn't devastate someone like that, someone who needed to help and could.

she can't shake the tension in her jaw as she enters the round table room, arms folding under her chest. there's something combative in the way her shoulders tighten. ]

You turned him away?

[wynn]

[ wynn is all but pacing around the edge of the table, trailing one hand across it. ] We discussed the matter at length and both came to the same conclusion.

[slay]

Not really the impression I got from the look on his face when he left.

[ She's hanging back from the table at this point, much like Des was earlier. ]

Why?

[wynn]

He's understandably disappointed, in that he had tried very hard to convince himself that this was the right decision.

But we both agreed that what he might find here, particularly at such a juncture in his life, would be only encouragement for the habits he has been trying so desperately to break.

[ he stops finally, turning to look at her fully. ] I know that may surprise you, that I'd be willing to admit there are those for whom the Knighthood may do more harm than good. But I believe firmly that Rafael is such a man.

We take in many here who are seeking redemption. Who feel lost, or guilty, or uncertain of who they are. But those souls whom I tend to accept through my doors on such terms are most often those who need what we do here in some way. Who are, on some level, incapable of contributing to the world through more healthy channels, when left to their own devices.

Rafael is not such a man.

[slay]

Burying himself in his music isn’t an answer, either.

[ She can’t help but make the assumption that those are the ‘healthier channels’ that Wynn means. Not that she doesn’t believe in him doing it, or find herself consistently astounded by it, but as delighted as he is by his music, it doesn’t change what she saw in him in Venice.

From where Buffy stands, he needs both. Just like she does.

As much as a part of her feels like a monster or a freak for it, losing her strength had been terrifying and denied her a part of herself. In the same vein, trying to focus on the mission and forgetting her family had led to immeasurable guilt over Myri and gotten people hurt. She can’t be one or the other. ]

He needs to believe that he can do more than hurt, he needs to see how he can use that to help people. That’s what the we do, we could help him too!

[wynn]

He does. But he needs to be able to make that distinction on his own, not at the orders of someone else.

For many, agreeing to take them into my Knighthood is such a supreme gesture of faith to them, faith that they don't deserve, that it makes them take a cold, hard look at their own actions. It makes them consider why I would place that belief in them, and work to live up to it.

Rafael has had such faith placed in him before, been set up as a hero following someone else's orders, and he's shown himself only too willing to indulge in the darkness inside of himself when he can claim that it was what others wanted of him. I'm not blaming him - I'm not certain it was something he was ever aware of doing, but when we spoke of it, he had a moment of ... clarity, and recognized in himself what I was suggesting. He was the first to admit that coming to the Knights felt wrong to him in his heart, trying to force himself to conform to our way of doing things, but that he felt it was necessary, a way to remold himself into a better man. The kind of man we wanted.

Rafael needs to stop trying to be the man others want him to be. For him, the act of faith comes in urging him to be his own master, at least for a time. I'm not turning him away forever, Buffy, but if he does return, it should be because it's what he wants with his whole heart. Not because he thinks it's what you or I desire, or because he's looking for someone to tell him precisely what to do to be a better man.

[slay]

[ She opens her mouth, ready to argue—until Wynn identifies the source of it: because he thinks it’s what you or I desire. Indignation is replaced by guilt, whether she’d been doing it intentionally or not. With Wynn laying all Rafael’s psychological issues out there, it’s easy to say she should have seen and recognized how she might have been inadvertently subjecting him to the same. Maybe she did recognize it, on some level, and was just having a hard time accepting that she’d have to let go again (and knew she wouldn’t have to if he returned with her).

Steadily, she shuts her mouth, pressing her lips together with a certain degree of stubbornness, but even that fades eventually. Dropping her gaze, Buffy remains quiet for a moment, reflecting on that—on whether she’s really the positive influence on him that they both seem to want her to be able to be. Maybe someone who’s just as screwed up as Rafael has no business doling out life advice on how he can get better.

It’s selfish for her to need him like she thinks she does. ]

I wasn’t trying to—I was trying to help him. [ Or maybe just help herself. It sits wrong with her, wondering if she could pinpoint what she’d done to make him believe that he had to change anything to be who she wanted him to be—to be the kind of man she wants. She shuts her eyes briefly, reining in those doubts. ]

[wynn]

And I have no doubt at all that you have. Do you know what his first act was when we finished speaking - when he realized that his choices were in his own hands?

He asked to accompany you all to Andres. To see Sarandis.

[slay]

[ She stills at that, stunned into silence. Surely it’s not that surprising—she’d assumed, somewhere along the way, that he’d come with them. Hearing he’d declare it to Wynn immediately after having his freaking Visa declined is another matter. He’d seemed discouraged to some degree—from the Knighthood, it seems, but not from doing what’s right and standing by them regardless.

She dismisses the swell of warmth in her stomach and her face, looking down at her feet. ]

Are you gonna let him?

[ It occurs to her finally that she should ... ask permission for that instead of just assuming she can pack him in her suitcase. ]

[wynn]

Rafael had proven himself to be a great ally to us. And this is as much his fight as ours. We'd be happy for his assistance, and so I told him.

[slay]

Good.

[ Not that Wynn needs her approval or anything, but it's refreshing to know that a rejection from the Knighthood doesn't mean a rejection from a cooperative effort with them. ]

About that fight. It, uh ... It might be bigger than we thought.

[ She moves to sit at the table finally, folding her arms in front of her and looking steadily up at him. ]

I found out something you should know about the Grays. And about Des.

[wynn]

And what might that be? [ cautious neutrality keeps his expression tempered as he waits to hear ]