behindcloseddoors | CLOSED ♔ when everything's meant to be broken

[ the emphasis on wanting her to know is what really gets to her, digging into her gut. she watches his eyes with caged sympathy, like she's too prepared for this to be bad for her to really be preemptively sympathetic towards him. but it's clearly hard for him to say, and she cares about him against her better judgment.

she moves to find a seat as he begins his story, and listens attentively through the whole of it. she can't say any of it's radically changed her view of him - ever since they learned about him and jade, rafael's seemed pretty obviously driven by his emotions. it makes sense that they'd be what spurred him to join the resistance, and spurred him to grow more committed to it as well.

when he finishes, she looks down, a guilty gesture to indicate her own discomfort with the knowledge that they will kill people in this job. she's managed to avoid it thus far, passing on their guns and trying to use only incapacitating attacks on the humans and shadow kind that are more than brainless monsters. but rafael's a cautionary tale - it's easy for him now, because it's been necessary.

she wonders how long it'll be until that's her. she wonders if she'll still remember the first one. she still remembers arthur, and that was only an almost. close enough to make her terrified of her abilities, still. ]

Did it work? Did you help them?

[ because if she focuses on that, maybe it'll be easier to swallow the talk of death. ]

We saved many lives. [ he looks towards her again, adding: ] Isabella's, for one. Her building was set ablaze in the riots, and even though her family was not Shadowkind, her father was a casualty.

[ strength through music - amanda palmer

he tilts his head slightly, lost in thought once more ] Something more came of that day. The Resistance leaders saw in me a ... natural talent, they said. I had learned a sense of marksmanship from my father and friends in my youth: elven archery. And I displayed what they saw as a cool head under pressure.

They offered me a position in what they called the Italian Shadow Militia. I was not very pleased with the opportunity at first. I had never thought of myself as a soldier. But I agreed, because I could still see them: the eyes of those I had not been able to protect.

The group was secretive, a sect within the secret movement, but they offered me training to refine my skills. Taught me how to be more effective in disarming men, taking them down, killing, when necessary. How to move and not be seen. When things became messy, as they did in Napoli, they sent us out. We were wherever there was violence. Wherever we were necessary. To meet the threat head on, and show them that we would fight back. That they could not control us with their guns. That Shadow in Italia had teeth as well.

It was near this time I met Angelo as well. I needed income - the Militia did not pay either - and singing was my one solace from all this. This was all in 2003, and for several years, this was my life.

Four years later, I met Eterna. And everything would change.

I feel like you've told me before, but ... how was it you two met, again? [ it's a well-placed question to encourage him to continue his story. his singing voice is nice, but his regular one's not bad either, and as dark and awful as this tale is, he really is telling it like it's a story. buffy rests her chin on her knees, legs pulled to her chest, and watches him continue. ]

[ so she dances - josh groban

the difference in his expression as he transitions to this part of the story is astonishing. the hard lines soften, the troubled darkness behind his eyes brightens. he's a different person. ]

It was in Sienna. She was a dancer, then, with a troupe traveling through, and I was in the area for a meeting of the Militia. I took in a show, and there she was.

But it wasn't until after, you could say, that I really saw her. She danced like an angel upon the stage, and I felt myself drawn to the thought of asking her to join the dancers at Angelo's club, but it was only a fantasy at the moment. After, I took the back hallway out, and I saw her leaving, bundled up with a scarf in the rain... It seemed she was traveling in the same direction as my hotel and I followed her, and was surprised when she turned off into a park, where a man was playing a song for the passerbys. She saw him and smiled, such a bright smile, unwound her scarf and placed it in his case.

And then... she danced.

In the midst of the park, late at night, to the beautiful simple song he played, she danced in a way she had not even done upon the stage. Less controlled somehow. More free.

I watched from a distance and saw many people stop for them, young lovers, mostly. They threw many coins into the case on top of the scarf and the old man's eyes glowed each time. When they finished, she turned to him and winked, and said something, and then began to leave.

I cut her off, then, introduced myself, admitted what I had seen and felt something of a fool, but she wasn't afraid. She laughed and told me to walk her home. I ended up asking her about Angelo, after all, and she said she would consider it. The next day, she accepted.

[ he looks up, breaking from his reverie ] But that is... beside my story.

[ a part of her, a tiny, petty part of her, regrets asking. it's that part that feels like the warm glow in his eyes and the way his expression softens and the passion in his words are all knives sticking in her gut. his love for jade is like a force of nature.

and in that moment, buffy's sure. he doesn't even see her.

she swallows, tongue darting out to wet her lips in a nervous gesture, and she clears her throat. straightening, she makes a brief gesture with her hand to encourage him. ]

Sorry. Go on.

[ spider's web (cue reprise zomg) - katie melua ]

Jade began as a background dancer, but in time we became singing partners, and more. And I told her the truth about me, about Isabella, about who we were and what our place in the Resistance was.

Part of Eterna's heritage is drow, as I have said, and strong sentiments against dark elves were rising in Italia at the time. Knowing that if her ancestry were discovered, she would be affected by these new threats as well, Eterna chose to join the Resistance with us. She had had some combat experience as well, it seemed, and was soon allowed to join the Militia.

[ now he falls dark once more, shifting his weight on the sill, and then standing, walking away and pacing across the room ] But things were... escalating very quickly. I do not know how much you know of drow, but their society in the Shadow World is an evil culture, and many of them retained their memories of that world here. It was very easy for them all to be villainized by the government, and they began to feel that extreme measures were acceptable in the face of this 'undeniable' evil.

[ a deep breath ] One man in particular had been a thorn in the side of the Resistance for all the years I had served for them. A politician who used blackmail and deceit and threats to sway votes to his anti-Shadow bills. Now, our spies discovered he meant to propose the single most dangerous piece of legislation to ever come before the government in our time. It would approve rounding up all dark elves within the country, to be expelled from our borders. But the wording allowed for the creation of what were no less than concentration camps. This was fascism of the worst kind.

[ he stops in place, staring at the ground intensely ] I knew, of course, that this placed Eterna in special danger. And it was then that the Resistance came to me, telling me that I had proven myself worthy of a special honor so essential to their cause that I would be well funded for executing it.

[ his voice grows more quiet, more intense as he echoes his words from earlier. ] They needed a man who understood, as they said, that an ideal could be more valuable... than a single life.

[ buffy bristled. from the moment he mentioned 'anti-Shadow bills,' she had the sinking feeling that she knew where this was going, but she'd hoped she was wrong.

she wasn't.

a sick feeling rose in her chest, the realization that she was lucky that it wasn't obvious she was from a shadow world. the weight of val'drin's inability to come on this mission with them, and the bitter taste that left in her mouth. no wonder he'd been afraid. people were terrifying.

she preferred the monsters. ]

Yeah, 'cause concentration camps, those worked out swell for Nazi Germany. [ her expression was sour, and she soldiered onward, nodding to him. ] I'm getting the vibe this 'special honor' wasn't so honorable.

[ start the machine - angels & airwaves

a sadness seems to strike him, and he shakes his head heavily. ]

You would be right.

They asked me to use my training to take this politician's life.

You can imagine my astonishment at first, my refusals. But they impressed upon me over and over the necessity of this sacrifice... the danger Eterna would be, the sequence of events this bill would put into motion.

[ a ragged sigh ] I have told you many times, Buffy, by now. [ he lifts his eyes to hers ] I am no hero.

In the end, I saw no choice but to accept. I carried out my assignment, and they heaped praise upon me for the ease of the execution. Praise and payment, and I hoped it would be enough.

But of course it was not. There were more.

There have always been more. That has become who I am now.

[ his eyes glint, a terrible hard weight behind them, his words mechanical. ]

It is the thing I do best in the world.

Kill.

[ the word tastes bitter on her tongue. buffy says it without any sugarcoating, with a certain disbelief to her words. like it hasn't sunk in quite yet that this man is telling her that he's an assassin. ]

What you do best is kill.

[ she wants to judge him. scorn him. spurn him. but she can't bring herself to, because all it does is make her realize, horrifically, why she feels so connected to him.

it's been hitting her like a ton of bricks, over and over, for the past few months. she can kill monsters, beat up people, has to work to avoid killing them - and thank god she'd learned that with arthur, or they'd all be in a world of trouble in the field dealing with a body.

this is what she does best. hurts things. kills them. she can't do what myri and kat can, can't make people better. all she can do is make it worse. rafael's right. that's not what a hero does.

she holds his gaze with all the strength she can muster, never letting it drift. though her words are hollow and harsh, her eyes tell the real story. they convey the sympathy and pain that his admission provokes.

it's a long moment's pause before she finally gets down to what she knows she needs to ask. ]

I'm surprised they haven't sent you to the Prime Minister yet.

[ Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

Rafael's eyes don't break from hers either, searching them instead, as if he's drinking up every emotion that he sees flashing through them. He looks ready to draw nearer to her, but held back by some invisible force. ]

My... assignments do not stretch outside of Italia. Andres is outside my jurisdiction, but it is men like him who-- [ he stops, as if realizing he doesn't have to say it ]

Your friends, they do not know. Or perhaps they would have. [ there's a pause, and then: ] Buffy, I gave you my word and I meant it, so I place this choice in your hands.

If you think it best I tell them, I will do so. But- [ another beat of hesitation, and then he finally does surge forward, just a few steps ] I could not deceive you anymore. And I am so sorry for the secret I have kept. You have risked your life for me, more than once now. I would not have you do so again, when you did not know what kind of man you were fighting for.

No. [ her response is quick, rejecting everything he's saying. she gets readily to her feet. ] Don't you dare - [ there's a choked quality to her voice, like she's working awfully hard to stifle emotions that she can't quite manage to control. salt stings her eyes as tears well, and her voices raises a little against her better judgment. it's strong and defensive. ]

If you think anything you just told me would make me change what I did in that theater, then you - [ wrong doesn't begin to cover it. she inhales deeply, straightening, sorting through the words, trying to find something strong enough. ] You don't know me at all.

And, I am not going to ask you to kill that man.

[ he has enough blood on her hands, and she doesn't have it in her to pull that trigger. maybe she should - it's not without second thoughts that she says so. a lot of lives might be saved if rafael did. but it's wrong, and everything inside of her is screaming with that belief. it won't let her.

and it won't let rafael turn himself into some ... some weapon. a dog she sics on the bad guys. because he's so much more than that. ]

Buffy... [ he looks a bit surprised by the words coming out of her mouth, but it's hard to say exactly what he expected instead. he had looked prepared for anything, for a moment. now he moves another step closer, as if his feet are acting of their own accord, and his hand just barely brushes her arm ] I did not think you would. [ he looks afraid to come any closer, suddenly, as if worried about crossing some kind of line after what's been let out in the air between them ] And I did not mean to say that I thought you would have done anything but the bravest thing to be done. I--

I just hope you understand, why I felt you must know. I want what we have to be based on something real, for you to know more than who I must be on the surface. You see, now, why Isabella and I worked so hard to keep my other occupation from bringing too much attention on me.

[ she looks unsure, for a moment. her eyes cast on the hand brushing her arm like she can't figure out what to do with it, because a huge part of her is saying that she needs to put distance between them - he's a killer - but all she wants to do is step closer.

the conflict ends and her expression freezes at three words. three tiny little words. as soon as 'what we have' is out of his mouth, her eyes widen and she stills. it isn't until he's done speaking that she dares even move to look back up at him, and when she does, there's wariness and uncertainty and above all confusion there. ]

I do. I do see. I just - [ she furrows her brow, purses her lips, and watches him for a moment, figuring out how to do this. ] Can I ask you something? [ she doesn't give him time to answer, just turns and begins to pace, wringing her hands. she has to pull herself away from his touch or there's no hope of her mind being anything but fuzzy. ]

'What we have.' What does that mean, 'what we have'? [ she turns back to look at him. ] Why tell me? [ then, in an ultimate act of vulnerability. ] What is it we have?

[ other than a severe case of buffy managing to lose sight of the point that RAFAEL IS A KILLER to focus on her hard life of one-sided feelings. wow i'm sure there's no one else on this team who has any idea how staring longingly at someone who will never notice them feels ... it's really sad that shana can't see these brackets. ]

[ a hopeless attempt - charlotte martin

there's a question in his eyes when she zeroes in on those words. he looks confused, as if it should be entirely self-evident. still, he explains earnestly. ] The things you have done for me, the way you have cared, there are very few in my life who have meant so much. Done so much.

Buffy, carina, you have been one of the best friends I have ever known, even in such a short time.

[ her heart twists in her chest, and for a minute she's sure it must have been ripped out, because there's a feeling of hollowness inside that she can't ignore. she looks as though she's been punched in the stomach, and the wind's knocked out of her.

all the devastation is there in her eyes, even though she wishes it wasn't and fights to push it down. and piled on top of all the broken heart is guilt and self-flagellation because why shouldn't best friends be good enough? why is that not enough for her? why should she have ever expected more with the way he talks about jade?

she inhales deeply, centering herself, and nods. her lips tighten into a line and she works to hold back the wave of emotion, schooling her expression to something more neutral. the nod is dismissive, because she can't say anything else to close the door on that conversation, but she needs to disengage. now. ]

Right.

I'm not going to tell them. And, neither are you. Because I'm not going to let them ask you to do what I know Dumage and Finnick and Thomas would all expect you to.

[ she blinks. her tongue darts out again, and she swallows to choke back her emotions, fighting to keep her voice as even as possible. ]

Was that everything?

[ he definitely registers the emotional impact his words have and he watches for a moment, before shaking his head ] That is enough, I think. But... what of Iscariot, if they return for me again? I assassinated a member of their order.

Then, we stop them.

[ there's not a question in it. no try. they'll do it. they'll manage. she sighs. ]

And, if they do come back, we tell Jack. He'll understand why the others don't need to know.

[ he nods ] In the meantime, we will try to go speak to Eterna once again, although I do not anticipate it going much better than before.

After that, Isabella will be coming back here to New Orleans with me. She has worked with me for many years, and is just as dangerous herself. We will be able to fight them off, if they come while you are gone.

... Great! That's ... really great. [ she forces up a smile, though the insincerity of it shows in her eyes and the way she seethes. isabella. not her favorite person. ] Any chance she's warmed up in the past few months?

I think you can understand now why she did not like strangers coming to our house - or knowing our business. Considering who and what we are.

She has worked hard to protect our secret. And what happened... Paolo was our contact with the Resistance, who would deliver to us the names of our next target. His betrayal meant that he had sold our names to our enemies. That is, no doubt, how Iscariot learned who had killed their man.

Well, if she decides she wants to direct some of that attitude towards Father Anderson, she's more than welcome. Doesn't make me love being on the receiving end any more, though.

If it helps, it was me she was angry with, for inviting the four of you to dine in the first place. She thought it careless.

That really makes me feel better.

[ spoiler it doesn't. she sighs. ]

We should get some sleep. [ beat. ] Separately. As in we should - you know. Separately decide to get separate sleep in our separate rooms. [ she clears her throat. ] Obviously. So, I'll just ... I'll go do that now.

... Si, si of course. I am sorry to have woken you so late. [ he really does look a little sorry about that, at least. ] But Buffy?

[ he waits until he has her attention fully, before saying emphatically: ] Thank you.

Don't mention it.

[ the smile she gives in return doesn't entirely reach her eyes. she appreciates his gratitude, is sincere in not needing it for what she's done, but it's too hard to smile about it. not when she feels this crushing sense of loss - she feels ridiculous, because she can't have lost what she didn't have - on top of the weight of his secret. she makes her way back to her own room with a heavy heart. ]

CLOSED ♔ when everything's meant to be broken

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