behindcloseddoors | CLOSED ♔ and who shall i blame for this sweet and heavy trouble

One of these souls was in the shape of a woman, and it was not my Lilia at all, by the way, for I never did see her in any form again. But it was a woman who had died I think in midlife having had numerous children, some of whom were with her now, and some of whom were still below. This soul existed in a serenity that was almost becoming bright. That is, its evolution was so high on the invisible level that it was beginning to generate something like the Light of God!

'What makes you so different?' I asked this woman. 'What makes all of you here, clustered together in this place, so very different?'

With an acuity that astonished me, this woman asked me who I was. Dead souls just usually don't ask that question. They plunge right into their helpless preoccupations and obsessions. But she said, 'Who are you and what are you? I have never seen one like you before here. Only when I was alive.'

'I don't want to tell you yet,' I said. 'But I want to learn from you. Will you tell me why you seem happy? You are happy, aren't you?'

'Yes,' she said. 'I'm with those I love, and look below, look at all of it.'

'Then you harbor no questions about all of it?' I pushed, 'You don't long to know why you were born or why you suffered or what happened to you when you died or why you're here?'

To my further amazement, she laughed. Laughter I had never heard in Sheol. It was soft, soothing, merry laughter, sweet laughter, laughter like the laughter of angels, and I think I sang to her softly in response, rather naturally, and at this her soul exploded like a blossom, the way fleshly souls had exploded below when they they had learnt to love each other! She warmed to me and opened. 'You are beautiful,' she whispered respectfully.

'But why, why are all these others in this place so unhappy, and why are you few here filled with peace and joy? Yes, I know, I have looked below. And you are with those you love. But so are all these others.'

'We don't resent God anymore,' she said. 'Any of us here. We don't hate Him.'

'The others do?'

'It's not that they hate Him,' she said gently, being very careful with me, as if I were easy to bruise. 'It's that they can't forgive Him for all this... for the world, for what's happened, and for this state of Sheol in which we languish. But we can. We have forgiven Him. And all of us have done it for various reasons, but forgiveness of God, that we have attained. We accept that our lives have been wondrous experiences, and worth the pain and suffering, and we cherish now the joy we knew, and the moments of harmony, and we have forgiven Him for not ever explaining it all to us, for not justifying it, not punishing the bad or rewarding the good, or whatever else it is that all these souls, living and dead, expect of Him. We forgive Him. We don't know, but we suspect that maybe He knows a great secret about how all this pain could come to pass and still be good. And if He doesn't want to tell, well, He is God. But whatever, we forgive Him and we Love Him in our forgiveness, even though we know He may never care about any of us, any more than He cares for the pebbles on the beach below.'

I was speechless. I sat very still, letting these souls of their own volition gather around me. Then one very young soul, the soul of a child, said:

'It seemed a terrible thing at first that God would bring us into the world to be murdered as we were, all of us - for you see, we three here died in war - but we have forgiven Him, because we know that if He could make something as beautiful as Life and Death, then He must Understand.'

'You see,' said another soul to me. 'it comes to this. We would suffer it all again, if we had to. And we would try to be better to each other and more loving. But it was worth it.'

'Yes,' said another. 'It took me all my life on Earth to Forgive God for the world, but I did it before I died, and came to dwell here with these others. And look, if you try hard, you'll see that we have made this something of a garden. It's hard for us. We work only with our minds and wills and memories, and imaginations, but we are making a place where we can remember what was good. And we forgive Him and we love Him that He gave us this much.'

'Yes,' said another. 'that He gave us anything at all. We are grateful and full of love for Him. For surely out there in the darkness is a great Nothing, and we have seen so many below who were obsessed with Nothing and with Misery, and they never knew the joys that we knew or know now.'

'This isn't easy,' said another soul. 'It's been a great struggle. But to make love was good, and to drink was good, and to dance and sing was beautiful, and to run drunk through the rain was joyous; and beyond there lies a chaos, an absence, and I am grateful that my eyes opened upon the world below and that I can remember it and see it from here.'

I thought for a long time without answering any of them, and they continued to talk to me, drawn to me, as if the light in me, if there was any visible light, was attracting them. Lucifer found us, and he too began to listen, sharing my amazement. In fact, the more we responded to their questions, the more they opened and seemed to understand their own answers more meaningfully, the denser and more intense the declarations became.

We soon saw these people had come from all nations and all walks of life. And though kinship bound many of them tightly together, that was not true with them all. In fact, many had lost sight of their dead kin entirely in other realms of Sheol. Others had never even laid eyes on them. While some had been greeted at the moment of death by their lost ones! And these were people of the world and all its beliefs gathered here in this place where light was beginning to shine forth.

'Your lives on earth, was there one common thread?' I asked finally. They couldn't answer. They really didn't know. They had not questioned each other about their lives, and as I asked them quick, random questions, it became clear that there had been no thread! Some of these people had been very rich, others poor, some had suffered unspeakably, some had suffered nothing but had known a golden prosperity and leisure in which they had grown to love Creation before they were even dead.

We began to sense that if we wanted to, we could start to count these responses and evaluate them in some way. In other words, all these souls had learnt to forgive God in various ways. But very possibly one way was better for this than another, infinitely more efficient. Perhaps. I couldn't be sure. And for now I couldn't know.

We wrapped our arms around these souls. We drew them to us.

'I want you to come on a journey with us,' I said to them, having spoken now to each and every one and being completely certain of where we stood. 'I want you to come to Heaven and stand before God. Now it may be brief, and you may see Him for no more than an instant, and possibly He will not allow Himself to be seen by you at all. You may find yourselves returning here, having learnt nothing, but also having suffered nothing. The truth is, I can't guarantee what will happen! No one knows God.'

'We know,' they answered.

'But I invite you to come to God and tell Him what you've told us. And now I'll answer your question: I am his Archangel Lucifer, of the very mold of other Angels of whom you heard when you are alive! And this is the Archangel Azrael, an Advocate for the Dead. Will you come?'

Several were astonished and hesitated. But the majority said in one voice, a mingling of answers that was this answer:

'We will come. One glimpse of God, the chance of it even, is worth anything. If that's not so then I don't remember the smell of the sweet olive tree, or how the fresh grass felt beneath me when I laid on it. I never tasted wine, and I never bedded the ones I loved. We will come.'

Several refused. It took a few moments before we all realized it but several had totally withdrawn. They saw us now for what we were - Angels - and they understood what had been withheld from them, and they had lost their peace and lost their power to forgive in that instant. They stared at us in horror or anger or both. The other souls hastened to change their minds, but they would not be changed. No, they did not want to see this God who had deserted His Creation and left it to rear up gods on altars all over the planet and pray in vain for intervention or final judgment! No, no, no!

'Come,' I said to the others. 'Let's try to enter Heaven. Let's give it all our strength! How many are we? A thousand times ten? A million? What does it matter? God said ten but not ten only. God meant at least ten. Come, let's go!'

[Des feels his heart constrict in anguish, a rare glimpse of visceral sympathy from someone who tried so hard to be above it all, to be selfish, because being selfish meant feeling no pain. But if Azrael and Lucifer are here with him, then this all went wrong, and he feels a twisted amount of resentment for a God who would cast down those who did what he asked and the souls with them.

But he's well aware that it was probably not that simple and was, in fact, likely worse.]

[ ♬ carbon - vnv nation

It was so, so much worse. ]

In a flash, we shall have our answer, I thought. He will either admit us or cast us back down with His Might the way He once threw me into the Void, and Azrael down to the earth. He might even dissolve the lot of us first, for surely He can make His judgment on our success or failure before we even reach the gates of Heaven. What had He said in His Infinite Wisdom? He had said 'Come back as soon as you can.

We drew those souls to us, tightly, and out of Sheol we rose, into the full blasting light of Heaven as it came pouring over the walls and the gates. And upon seeing it, the souls gasped and were filled with an even greater desire to be a part of it, to stand in God's light...

But the gates were slammed shut to us, and outside them stood a legion of angels, with Michael at the forefront.

'What do you mean by this? God instructed you to return with ten souls, and you bring to our gates an army!'

This was a concept that was shocking to us, that Heaven should feel threatened by the arrival of so many souls, by anything.

'He has spoken,' Michael said warily, 'only ten souls will enter the gate.'

At this pronouncement, a loud wailing erupted around us, as the souls instantly grasped that this meant many of them would be denied even the glimpse of God we had promised, because now, standing so close to Heaven, they hungered for it as dying man craves water in a desert. Things happened quickly. They took up my cry from below: 'Let's give it all our strength!' and hurled themselves at the gates en masse. The other Angels responded quickly, trying to push them back, but there were too many of them, and they had the stronger motivation.

Finally, I saw the flaming light of Michael's sword emerge, and cut through one of the souls - and his smiting energies utterly destroyed it, winked it out of existence.

'Michael!' I cried in horror. 'You know now what you do!' but it was too late. The other souls that saw this, rather than flee in terror, renewed their efforts, and the other Angels followed Michael's example.

I was filled with unspeakable anger, as God stood by and allowed this to occur, and I found myself shouting:

'Batter down the gates! We will have our audience!'

And how surprised were the Angels when some of the spirits used their ingenious abilities to manifest something from nothing - the same sort of power I had stumbled across in the Void - to summon weapons to their hands, to fight back, to use what they knew of war and conflict, something that had never been brought near Heaven. And in our anguish and their determined suffering, the invisible demons around us multiplied by the thousands, and they too joined the fight, though not out of any desire to win - merely because it was their nature. And their mere presence increased the sorrow and the fury and the determination of the souls, driving them on.

This great horror unfurled before us and around us, and for every soul that vanished, I became more determined that no matter the cost, we would win this battle.

♬ honour - vnv nation

We joined the fray, hoping to draw the attention of the more powerful angels - Gabriel, Michael, Uriel - onto ourselves and away from them. I found myself squaring off with Michael, who was aghast at our audacity.

'Azrael,' he cried, 'you are an Angel of God, not an Angel of Death! Remember whom you serve!'

We fought long, but his sword ended up near my neck, the flames licking at me, and in his eyes, in that instant I saw his resolution falter briefly, I saw that he too wondered as I did: could an Angel's soul be destroyed as the others had? Would my own brother destroy me so utterly for what I had done? Never before had angel turned blade upon angel! We did not know what to expect, for all we thought we knew seemed to have dissolved, that our courses should bring us to this moment.

Before he could make his decision, God's voice overwhelmed us all, and the fighting ceased instantly, everywhere, the demons vaporized by the mere power of hearing God speak: 'HALT!'

And the gates were mercifully thrown open in that moment, and the souls and Angels alike boiled through, drawn towards the Light of the Lord within, a Light which swept away our horror at what had occurred, and let us realize that now here we were - two rebellious Archangels and a few million human souls, standing once more in the very midst of Heaven surrounded by amazed and pointed and startled and flabbergasted angels who gathered around us in a great circle, crying to get the attention of everyone until Heaven finally fell quiet.

Well, we thought, we did it! We're inside! And the human souls! The human souls saw the angels who had remained inside the gates, saw with new eyes even those who had struggled to keep them out, and realized they had not meant them real harm, that they had been seeking to protect this place, protect this light, and their forgiving nature sheared away all pain of loss and gave way to great joy. Oh, I can't remember this moment without wanting to dance, to sing. The souls were jubilant, and when the angels began their great potentially cacophonous singing of questions and exclamations, the human souls began to sing!

Indeed, Heaven was never going to be the same. I knew it. I knew it instantly. Because this is what took place. These souls brought with them the same powers of projection which they had learnt in Sheol, to create around them out of the invisible something of an environment that they wanted, longed for, and to which they were able to give their full wills.

And the geography of Heaven was changed dramatically and instantly and in an infinite capacity. There rose the towers and castles and mansions which you saw when we took you there, the domed palaces and libraries, and the gardens, oh, the breathtaking projections of flowers in every direction, things that angels simply never thought to bring to Heaven... well, it was all there. Trees rose in their mature fullness, rain came in whispering gusts, full of fragrance. The sky warmed and colors everywhere expanded or deepened. These souls took the invisible fabric of Heaven, whatever it is - energy, essence, the light of God, the Creative Power of God - and in a twinkling surrounded us all with wondrous constructions representing their curiosity, their concepts of beauty and their desires!

All that they had learnt on Earth they had brought into Heaven, creating it irresistibly in its most cherished form!

The commotion was beyond anything I had ever witnessed since the Creation of the Universe itself.

And nobody appeared more astonished than the Archangel Michael, who was staring at me as if to say, 'Azrael, you've brought them into Heaven.'

But before he could get the words out, and as the souls still stood together, only beginning to realize that they could shift and touch the things they envisioned even here, there came the Light of God Himself rising and spreading out from behind the figures of the Seraphim and Cherubim, and very gently and considerately falling down upon these human souls, filling each and laying all secrets of each totally open, as angels are open.

The human souls cried with joy. Anthems rose from the Angels. I began to sing with my arms outstretched. 'Lord, Lord, I have your souls, worthy of Heaven and look what they have brought to Heaven, Lord, look on your creation, look on the Souls of those you evolved from the tiniest cells through flesh and blood and Sheol to your very Throne. Lord, we are here! Lord, it's done, it's done. It's happened. We have come back and you have allowed it.'

And having said more than enough, I fell down on my knees.

The songs had reached a frenzy, a sound no flesh and blood human could endure. Anthems rose from all quarters. The human souls were growing denser, more visible, until they appeared as clearly to use as we did to them and to each other. Some of them were locking hands and jumping up and down like little children. Others were merely crying and screaming and the tears were flooding down their faces.

And then the light swelled. We knew God was about to speak. We fell silent, en masse. We were all the bene ha elohim. God said:

'My Children. My beloved Children. Azrael and Lucifer stand with their Millions, and they are worthy of Heaven.'

And the voice of God ceased, and the light grew stronger and warmer, and all of Heaven became pure acceptance and pure love.

I lay down upon the floor of Heaven in weariness, staring upwards into the great firmament of beautiful blue sky and ever-twinkling stars. I heard the souls of humans rushing hither and thither. I heard the welcoming hymns and incantations of the angels. I heard everything, and then, in imitation of a mortal, I closed my eyes.

Did God ever sleep? I don't know. I closed my eyes, and I lay still in the Light of God, and after all those years and years in Sheol, I was safe again and I was warm.

Finally, I realized that the Seraphim had come to me, three or four of the, I didn't really notice, and they were standing over me, and looking down on me, their faces almost unendurably bright with reflected light.

'Azrael, God wants to speak to you and Lucifer alone,' they said.

'Yes, at once!' I sprang to my feet.

And far from the jubilant throngs, I found myself standing in silence beside Lucifer, in quiet, my arm up over my eyes, my eyes down, and near as I could possibly be to the presence of the Lord.

'Uncover your eyes and look at me,' He said.

Instantly, aware that this might mean my total obliteration, that all might have been folly and misunderstanding, I obeyed, and so did Lucifer.

The radiance had become uniform, glorious yet tolerable and in the very midst of it, broadcast in it, I saw distinctly a countenance such as our own. I cannot say that it was a human face. Countenance, person, expression - that is what we beheld, and the Highly Personal Countenance was regarding us directly and fully.

It was so beautiful that I couldn't imagine moving or ever turning away from it, but then it began to brighten, it began to force me to blink and to struggle not to cover my eyes rather than imperil my vision forever.

The light then became muted, it contracted, it became bearable and engulfing, but not blinding to us. And we stood, trembling, very glad we had not reached to cover our faces.

'Lucifer. Azrael,' God said. 'You have done well. You have brought souls from Sheol who are worthy of Heaven, you have increased the joy and bliss of Heaven; you have done well.'

We uttered a thanks that were anthems of adoration, repeating the obvious, that God had made all these souls and that in His mercy He had allowed them to come to Him.

'This makes you very happy, doesn't it?' He asked.

'Only if it makes you happy, Lord,' I said, which was a bit of a lie.

'Rejoin the angels, my Sons,' He said. 'You are forgiven for your transgressions - for your sin in tempting mankind in the Garden, and for becoming flesh and blood without my permission, and for having slept with the Daughters of Men. You are upheld in your hopes for the souls of Sheol, and henceforth, Azrael, you will be known as Malak Al-Maut, the Angel of Death, minister to these souls. Leave me now and do whatever it is you wish, but interfere no more with Nature or with humankind, since you insist they are not part of Nature, and on which point you are wrong.

I was overcome with joy, with... relief, you might call it, and happily I thanked God, and flew to rejoin the others, to embrace my Brothers and the Souls of the Dead.

Seriously?

[THAT CAN'T BE IT. THAT'S NOT THE WHOLE STORY, RIGHT? DOES SHE GET EATEN BY EELS???]

[ saviour (vox) - vnv nation ]

I watched Azrael go... but I was not so ready to depart.

'Lord--' I started timidly.

'Yes??'

'Lord, these souls we brought from Sheol, why, they are less than one one-hundredth of the souls in Sheol; they probably are less than one-one hundredth of souls who have disintegrated or vanished since the beginning of the world. Lord, Sheol is filled with confusion and misunderstanding. These were but the elect.'

'I am supposed to be surprised by this information? How could I not know it?' He asked.

'Surely, Lord, you'll let me go back to Sheol and to try to advance those souls who haven't reached the level of Heaven. Surely you'll let me try to purge them or whatever keeps them unworthy of heavenly bliss.'

'Why?'

'Lord, there are millions lost to you for every million saved.'

'You know that I know this, don't you?'

'Lord, have mercy on them! Have mercy on the humans of the Earth who seek through countless rituals to reach you, know you, and appease you.'

'Why?'

I didn't answer. I was dumbstruck. I thought. And then I said, 'Lord, do you not care for these souls who are drifting in confusion? Who suffer so in darkness?'

'Why should I?' He asked.

Dick.

[Yeah, that's Des's annoyed outburst. He scrambles to his feet, annoyed.]

Again, I took my time. It was imperative that this answer count. But in the interval he spoke:

'Lucifer, can you count for me all of the stars? Do you know their names, their orbits, their destinies in Nature? Can you give me a rough calculation, Lucifer, of the number of grains of sand in the sea?'

'No, Lord, I can't.'

'Throughout my Creation, there are creatures whose spawn number in the thousands, of which only a tiny portion survive - fishes of the sea, turtles of the sea, winged insects of the air. A hundred, a million even, of one species may be born under the arc of one day's sun, with only a handful to survive and reproduce. Don't you know this?'

'Yes, Lord, I know. I knew in ages past. I knew when the animals were evolved. I knew.'

'So what is it to me that only a handful of souls come to the Gates of Heaven? Maybe I will send you to Sheol again, in Time. I will not say.'

'Lord, humankind is sentient and suffering!'

'Must we argue again about Nature? Humankind is my Creation, Lucifer, and its development whether you know it or not follows my Laws.'

'But, Lord, everything under the sun dies eventually, and these souls have the potential to live forever! They are outside the cycle! They are made of invisible will and knowledge, Lord, surely they were meant within the Laws to come to Heaven, how could it not be? I am asking you, Lord, I am asking you to tell me, because as much as I love you, I don't understand.'

'Lucifer, the invisible and the willful are embodied in my angels and they obey my Laws.'

'Yes, Lord, but they don't die. And you talk to us, and reveal yourself to us, and you love us, and you let us see things.'

'You don't think the beauty of Creation reveals my light to Humankind? You don't think these souls, which you yourselves have brought here, have not developed out of a perception of the glory of all that has been made?'

'Many more could come, Lord, with just a little help. The number here now is so small. Lord, the lower animals, what can they conceive of that they cannot have? I mean, the lion conceives of the meat of the gazelle and he gets it, does he not? Human souls have conceived of Almighty God and are longing for Him.'

'You've proved that to me already,' He said. 'You've proved it to all of Heaven.'

'But these were a few! Lord, if you were only flesh and blood, if you had only gone down as we did--'

'Caution, Lucifer.'

'No, Lord, forgive me but I can't deny you my finest efforts, and my finest efforts at logic tell me that if you went down and became flesh and blood as I did, you would better know these Creatures whom you think you know but you don't!'

No answer.

'Lord, your light doesn't penetrate human flesh. It mistakes it for animal flesh and always has! Lord, you may know all but you don't know every tiny thing! You can't, or you wouldn't leave those souls languishing in Sheol in agony. And you could not allow the suffering of men and women on Earth to go without context. I don't believe it! I don't believe you would do it! I don't believe it!'

'Lucifer, for me it is only necessary to say something once.'

I didn't answer.

'I'm being gentle with you,' He said.

'Yes, you are, but you are wrong, and in that, too, you are wrong, for you would hear your anthems of praise sung over and over without end and forever, and Lord! These souls could come to you and sing those anthems.'

'I don't need the anthems, Lucifer.'

'Then why do we sing?'

'You of all my angels are the only one who cannot be contented, who cannot trust in me. Why, these souls you brought from Sheol trust in me as you do not! That was your standard for selecting them! That they trusted in the Wisdom of God.'

I couldn't be silenced:

'I knew something when I was flesh and blood, Lord, which upheld all that I had suspected before, and which confirms all I have seen since. What can I do, Lord, tell you lies? Speak things with my tongue that are flat-out falsehoods? Lord, in humankind you have made something that even you do not fully comprehend! There can be no other explanation, for if there is, then there is no Nature and there are no Laws.'

'Get out of my sight, Lucifer. Go down to Earth and get away from me and interfere with Nothing, do you hear?'

'Put it to the test, Lord. Become flesh and blood as we did, You who can do anything. Sheath yourself in flesh--'

'Silence, Lucifer.'

'Or if you do not dare to do that, if it is unworthy of the Creator to understand in every cell his Creation, then silence all the anthems of Angels and Men! Silence them, since you say you do not need them, and observe then what your Creation means to you!'

'I cast you out, Lucifer!' He declared, and in that instant all of heaven had reappeared around me, the entire bene ha elohim and with it the millions of souls of the saved, and Michael and Azrael were standing before me, watching in horror as I was forced backwards right out of the gates and into the whirlwind.

'You are merciless to your Creations, my Lord!' I roared as loud as I could over the din of distressful singing. 'Those men and women made in your own image are right to despise you, for nine-tenths of them would be better off if they h ad never been born!'

[ he stops, making a little frown, just a tiny very perfectly symmetrical scowl for a moment, and then lowers his head as if listening to something. then slowly, he turns to des. ]

It's just what you would have done, isn't it?

[des swallows.] I would have decked him.

[yeah okay so you can't punch god. WHATEVER.]

[ when speaks up behind him, he's a she again, just like that. she sounds somber as she recounts: ]

I should have been with Lucifer, should have gone with him, stood by him, but I was so exhausted by our efforts, so ready to accept even a single victory...

So I remained in Heaven, but while I was happy with how our efforts had expanded Heaven and saved so many souls, my mind was constantly on the other Dead, and though I obeyed God's commandment to not interfere with them, I became more and more frustrated, and more convinced that it was simply Not Enough.

I spent increasing time on earth, despite how I once longed only to return to Heaven. I remained invisible this time, but would follow the souls of those near death and watch carefully to see how their lives translated to their afterlives - and sometimes, invisible, I would whisper into the ears of those who lived what little comfort I could give, hoping to stir them to find peace in their lives so that they might find peace in death.

But I dared do no more. Lucifer's fate hung over all of Heaven, and I knew that a misstep would mean the same for me.

But, uh... [he points to himself. smells like interference to him...]

And then there was you.

Sometimes I would roam far and wide over the years, seeing as much as I could, and sometimes I would become enamored of a small populace and follow their lives from beginning to end. I'd been watching your clan carefully - you among them - when tragedy struck them. And you...

You were far from the first soul I'd seen sink to such depths of guilt and despair when exposed to the suffering the world had to offer. But for whatever reason, a combination, perhaps, of my own burgeoning guilt over falling in line while so many souls continued to suffer and diminish in the afterlife, and my anger at God for what had been done to Lucifer... your case struck a particularly resonant place in me. Because I knew - knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt - what the fate of a human who despaired of life so much that he wanted nothing more to end it would be in Sheol.

I knew this even before you died: that you were doomed to dissolution. And I was distraught by the inevitability of it all, by the weight of these years in which nothing had changed.

So what? You- [he pauses and then sucks in a breath.] You gave me an eternity to change my fate. Is that it? That's why I've been alive for so long?

[there's a note of hysteria in his voice. this whole time- his whole life, all these countless years and it was to make him worthy of Heaven.]

I knew it was breaking God's commandment - to not interfere - but I couldn't help it. It was the only way I could live with myself, and I thought, perhaps if I couched it in terms that disguised my true nature as an angel, perhaps if I didn't reveal myself as something more than the spirits your people called gods, that it would not be quite so bad. It was, after all, just one soul - and Lucifer and I had last wrestled with millions! A small part of me hoped that God might not even notice, not even care.

But God sees all things.

[Des laughs hysterically as all the pieces slam into place. His worthless damned soul was just an experiment-an example. There was no real reason, no true fucked up agenda. It was someone who picked a stubborn fool who was better left to rot with the other souls and tried make him a saint.]

You got fired over me?

And I would do it again. I made my choice: the living and dead souls of Earth and Sheol still needed an advocate, and God's reaction to what I had done only proved it. But in the cruelest twist, your fate was ripped out of my hands when Heaven's light was ripped away from me this time.

So why the fuck do God and Michael care? With everything you told me, why didn't they just remove the curse and let nature take its course? Why?

Because. You were the perfect opportunity for them, don't you see? For as much as I wanted your soul to be made fit to ascend, I thought it more likely we would find a new compromise to alter the nature of Sheol before you would change your essential nature. Suffering had brought you to the place where you were - and more suffering wasn't going to reverse that - it would only drive you deeper into despair.

But that is the opposite of what they extol. Now they had someone in hand who could not die, someone at the bottom of the spiritual barrel, mired in darkness. There was no end to what you could be put through, what horrors you would see in the world, and God firmly believed that suffering strengthened souls.

Do you see?

Edited 2014-02-06 03:46 (UTC)

[Des's jaw drops.] So I'm some fucking super soul? Just God's little chewtoy he can put through hell to see how much better my soul will come out for it? And Jade-

[he cuts himself off.]

Not to mention his way of striving to prove to us how very wrong we were.

But Michael, and the other angels, firmly believe you'll triumph on your own. That it's the natural progression of a soul that's been tempered with so much.

And have they been right so far? There was no rule in place to indicate when they could ever be convinced that they were wrong. What was eternity to them?

[Des grits his teeth and kneads his fist into his forehead.] Fuck, fuck, fuck.

[that's all he needs. outburst over, he sucks in a ragged breath.] That settles it then. I'm not playing the game like that. Michael can blow me. I'm in. I don't care what else you have to say, I am not playing by the rules of some asshole with His thumb up his ass and and a hard-on for turmoil.

[ she gently lays a hand over his fist, drawing his hand down to his side, and running the back of her fingers against his cheek. as always, her touch itself seems to produce a very visceral sense of comfort, that he can feel warming his heart from the inside out. ]

I knew you would understand us, Des. I was only waiting for the day when I knew there to be a chance you'd actually listen.

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1/SEVERAL EXCITING TAGS

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wtf is that icon lmfao

Des's suffering represented by hookers that's what

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