Behind Closed Doors | KoL (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
behindcloseddoors) wrote2014-01-30 03:51 pm
behindcloseddoors) wrote2014-01-30 03:51 pm
Entry tags:
CLOSED ♔ and who shall i blame for this sweet and heavy trouble
♬ the fleecing - pedro the lion
WHO || Des, Azrael [Closed]
WHAT || Des learns some unfortunate things
WHERE || Chicago
WHEN || Sometime during the trial, immediately following this [backdated]
HOW || Actionspam. Single thread.
AND SUDDENLY DES FINDS HIMSELF... on a roof. Above what looks like is still Chicago. There's a bit of a chill wind out but it's still November, not the arctic chills of January, so they can deal. Azrael releases himself instantly and moves to sit on the ledge, looking down at the city.
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The night had begun. The stars filled the firmament and were as distant from me as if I had never known Heaven at all. I closed my eyes, and I heard the souls of Sheol, wailing. I heard them pressing near me, asking me what I was, what had they witnessed, whence had I been thrown to the earth? Before I had gone unnoticed, my transformation having been quiet and secret, but when God had thrust me downwards, I had fallen spectacularly as an angel and immediately into the shape of a man.
All Sheol was crying in curiosity and foment.
'Lord, what do I say to them? Help me!' I prayed.
And then came the perfume of the woman near me. I turned and I saw her creeping towards me cautiously, and, when she saw my face, when she saw my tears and my distress, she came boldly towards me, slipping her warm breasts against my chest again, and clasping in her trembling hands my head.
She took my back to the encampment. She brought me inside the gates. Men and women rose from the campfire and children ran towards me. I knew that I possessed angelic beauty, and their admiring glances didn't surprise me. But I did wonder what in the name of Heaven they meant to do.
I was seated, and given food and drink, which I needed. For three days, I'd drunk nothing but water, and eaten only a few berries gathered here and there in the woods.
I sat down cross-legged with them and ate the cooked meat they gave me, and she, my woman, my Daughter of Men, crushed up against me, as if daring anyone to challenge the pair of us, and then she spoke.
She stood up, threw up her arms, and in a loud voice told them what she had seen. Her language was simple. But she had plenty enough words to describe it - how she had come upon me on the banks of the sea and seen that I was naked and she had given herself to me in sanctity and worship, knowing I could not be a man of the earth.
No sooner had my seed come into her than a magnificent light from above had filled the cave. She had rushed in fear from it, but I had walked out into it, fearless, knowing it, and before her eyes I changed so that she could see through me, yet still she saw me. And I was grown tall, with immense white feathered wings! This vision - this creature through whom she could see as if through water - she saw only for an instant. Then I vanished. I was gone as surely as I sit here now. She had hovered, shivering, watching, praying to the ancestors, to the Creator, to the Demons of the Desert, to all powers for protections, when suddenly she had seen me again - transparent, to summarize her simple words, but visible, falling - winged and enormous - smashing towards earth in a fall that would have killed a man, though that is what I became - a man, solid as everyone could see, sitting in the dust.
'God', I prayed, 'What do I do? What this woman has said is true. But I am no God. You are God. What do I do?'
No answer came from Heaven, not to my ears, not to my heart, not to my cumbersome and elaborate brain.
As for the crowd of listeners, whom I judged to be about 35, exclusive of all the children, no one spoke. Everyone was considering this. No one was quick to accept it. No one was going to jump forward and challenge it either. Something in my manner and posture held them aloof.
No surprise. I certainly didn't cower or shiver or evince what I was suffering. I had not learnt to express angelic suffering through flesh. I merely sat there, aware that by their measure I was young, comely, and a mystery; and they were not brave enough to try to hurt me as they so often hurt others, to stab, or pierce, or burn me as I had seen them do enough times to their enemies, and to their own despised.
Suddenly, the whole group burst into murmuring. A very old man rose to his feet. His words were even simpler than hers. I would say he had perhaps half her working vocabulary. But this was enough to express himself and he asked of me simply: 'What do you have to say for yourself?'
The others reacted as if this question were an expression of pure genius. Maybe it was. The woman pulled very close to me at the moment. She sat down beside me and with an imploring look, she embraced me.
I realized something - that her fate was connected to mine. She was slightly afraid of all these people, her kindred. And she wasn't afraid of me! Interesting. That is what tenderness and love can do, and marvels also, I thought. And God said these people were a part of Nature!
I hung my head, but not for long. Finally, I rose to my feet, bringing her up with me, my mate, as it were, and, using all the words known in her language, some even that the children had been adding already in this generation that the adults didn't yet know, I said:
'I mean you no harm. I came from Heaven. I came to learn about you and to love you. And I wish you only all good things under God!'
There was a great clamour, a happy clamour, with people clapping their hands and rising to their feet, and the little ones jumping up and down. It seemed a consensus emerged that Lilia, the woman I had been with, could now return to the group. She had been cast out to die when she had come upon me. But she was now surely upheld. And she had returned with a god, a deity, a sky being... they aimed for it with many syllables and combinations of syllables.
'No!' I declared. 'I am not a god. I did not make the world. I worship, just as you do, the God who did.'
This too was accepted in jubilation. Indeed, the frenzy began to alarm me. I felt the limits of my body keenly with all these others dancing and screaming and shouting and kicking at the wood in the fire, and the lovely Lilia clinging to me.
'I must sleep now!' I said suddenly. And this was no more or less than the perfect truth. I had scarce slept an hour or more at any one time in my 3 days in the flesh and was bone weary and bruised and cast out of Heaven. I wanted to turn to this woman, and bury my sorrow in her arms.
Everyone gave their approval. A hut was prepared for us. People ran hither and thither gathering the finest skins and furs for us, and the softest chewed leather, and we were ushered into this place in silence, and I lay back down on the fur beneath me, the skin of a mountain goat, long and soft.
'God, what do you want me to do!' I asked aloud. There came no answer. There was only the silence and the darkness in the hut, and then the arms of a Daughter of Men around me, luscious and loving and full of tenderness and passion, that mystery, that combination, that purely living miracle, tenderness and lust rolling and rolling into one.
[ azrael stops, as if exhausted suddenly. he rises again and walks to the bank of the sea. he stands in the soft sand and pebbles, and des can see the outline of his wings flash for a moment, perhaps exactly the way the woman had seen it, and then he is merely azrael again, with his shoulders hunched as he stands with his back to him, his face apparently buried in his hands. ]
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[it doesn't matter what happened with God- that's not the point. The point is he was cast down for loving a mortal and he still probably had to watch her die and accept this as natural and right.]
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'Her house sinks down to death, and her course leads to the shades. All who go to her cannot return and find again the paths of life. Her gates are gates of death and from the entrance of the house she sets out towards Sheol.
None of those who enter there will ever return, and all who possess her will descend to the Pit.'
[ he turns, a spark of anger in his eye ] That's how she's come to be remembered. They call her Lilith instead, a name that translates in their tongue to night monster and wrote her down as a demon. For all that our names have been dragged through the mud throughout the ages, that is the one error I cannot forgive.
[ he walks slowly back to the shoulder, and sits down again ]
By morning, I had known her a half dozen times and lay half dead, and that in itself was another lesson. But I had no thought whatsoever on what I might do. While she'd slept, I had prayed to God, I had prayed to Michael and to the other angels. I had prayed and prayed, asking what I should do.
Can you guess who answered me?
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1/3
The souls in Sheol. Those are the spirits - the strongest souls of Sheol who heard my prayers to the Creator and heard the impetus and essence of my cries and my excuses and my pleas for mercy and forgiveness and understanding - heard all of it, absorbed it, drank it up, as they did the spiritual yearnings of their human and living children. And by the time the sun rose, by the time all the men of the group had started to gather, I knew one thing only:
Whatever happened to me, whatever was the will of God, the souls of Sheol would never be the same! They had learnt too much from the voice of this Angel fallen into Matter who had thoughtlessly cried to Heaven and to God.
Of course the full impact didn't hit me. I didn't sit there reasoning it out. The strongest souls had had their first glimpse of Paradise. They knew now of a Light which made an Angel weep and beg in desperation, because he was afraid he would never see that Light again. I didn't think of it. No.
God had left me here. That is what I thought. God had left me. I went out into the crowd. The encampment was overflowing. In fact, men and women were coming from all the nearby encampments to see me.
And we had to leave the enclosure and go out into the open, into one of the fields. Look down to the right, where the land slopes? You see down there where the field spreads out and the water turns...
That's where we gathered. And it was soon clear that all of these men and women were expecting something of me, that I speak, that I work marvels, that I sprout wings, something, but what I didn't know. As for Lilia, she clung to me as ever, enticing and beautiful, and filled with vague wonder.
Together we climbed onto that rock - you see there, the boulders left there by the glaciers millions of years ago. There. We climbed up and she sat down and I stood before these people, and then I looked to Heaven and I opened my arms.
With all my heart, I begged God to forgive me, to take me back, to climax this intrusion with my merciful disappearance, that is, to let me take my angelic shape, invisible, and rise. I willed it, I pictured it, I tried in every conceivable way to assume my former nature. No luck.
In the heavens above, I saw what men saw. I saw the blue of the sky, and the willowy white clouds blowing eastward, and I saw the faint daytime moon. The sun hurt my shoulders. It hurt the top of my head. And something became known to me then in all its horror: that I was probably going to die in this body! That I had forfeited my immortality! God had made me mortal and turned his back.
I thought this over a long time. I'd suspected it from the first moment, but now with the haste of a man I became convinced of it. And in me a deep anger rose. I looked at all these men and women. I thought of God's words to me, to go with those I had chosen, with the flesh I preferred to Heaven. And a decision came into my head.
If this was to be my finish, if I was to die in this mortal body as men die, if some days or weeks or years were left to me - whatever this body could hope to survive amid the perils of life - then I must do with it the very finest thing that I know. I must offer to God my finest. I must go out like an Angel, if going out is what I had to do!
'I love you, my Lord,' I said aloud. And I racked my brain for the greatest acts I could perform.
What came to me was immediate and logical, and perhaps obvious. I would teach these people everything I knew! I wouldn't just tell them about Heaven and God and Angels, because what good would that do? Though of course I would tell them, and tell them to look for a peaceful death and peace in Sheol, for that they could attain.
But that would be the least of what I would do. For that was nothing! What was better was this - I'd teach them everything about their world that I could perceive logically but which had not yet become known to them.
Immediately I started speaking to them. I led them to the mountains and took them into the caves and showed them the veins of ore, and told them that when this metal was hot it bubbled forth from the earth in liquid, and that if they could heat it again they could make it soft and make things out of it.
Returning to the sea, I picked up the soft earth and shaped it into little people to show them how simple this was to do! Picking up a stick, I drew a circle in the sand, and spoke to them of symbols. How we might make a symbol for Lilia that resembled the flower for which she was named which they called the lily. And how we might make a symbol for what I was... a man with wings. I drew pictures everywhere, showing them how easy it was to do it, to connect an image with a concept or concrete thing.
By evening, I had gathered around me all the women and was showing them ways to tie their thongs of chewed leather which had never occurred to them, elaborate ways of plaiting it, and making it into big pieces of one fabric. All logical. All simply what I inferred from what I knew as an Angel about the whole world.
Now, these people already knew the seasons of the moon, but they didn't know the calendar of the sun. I told them all this. How many days to a year there should be according to how the sun and the planets moved, and I told them how they could write all this down with symbols. And soon we took the clay from the banks of the sea and we made flat plates of it, and on these plates with sticks I made little pictures of stars and heaven and Angels. And these plates or tablets were then allowed to dry in the sun.
For days and nights, I remained with my people. I began to teach them more and more and more. When one group was tired and could take no more lessons, I turned to another, and examined what they were doing, and tried to improve their ways.
Many things they would figure out for themselves, I knew. Weaving was very soon to occur to them, and then they would make better garments. That was all well and good. I showed them pigments similar to the red ochre they already used. I took things out of the raw earth that would make different colors for them. Every thought that occurred to me, every advance of which I could conceive, I imparted to them, greatly expanding their language in the process, obviously teaching them writing, and then I also taught them music of a wholly new kind. I taught them songs. And the women came to me, over and over again, the women - And Lilia stepped back - that the seed of the Angel might go into many, many women, 'the comely Daughters of Men.'
[ he pauses again, and his heart seems broken, remembering. his eyes are distant and totally reflect the pale blue of the sea. ]
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'And Azazel... made known to them the metals, and the art of working them, and bracelets and ornaments, and the use of antimony, and the beautifying of eyelids, and all kinds of costly stones, and all colored tinctures.'
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'And there arose much godlessness, and they committed fornication, and they were led astray...' [ he pauses a moment ] 'And as men perished, they cried, and their cry went up to heaven.' [ he stops, smiling slowly and bitterly ] And what is the rest of it, Des, and what lies in between those lines we've spoken! Lies! I taught them civilization. I taught them knowledge of Heaven and Angels! That's all I taught them. There was no blood, no lawlessness, no monstrous giants in the earth. It's lies and lies, fragments and fragments, buried in lies!
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[he frowns and scratches his head. it's a good thing he never put much stock in any of this before now.]
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[ sighs ] I was sleepless, I was crazed. As the knowledge poured forth from me, as they were worn down by it, and struggled under the burden of it, I went to the caves and carved my symbols on the walls. I carved pictures of Heaven and Earth and angels. I carved the light of God. I worked tirelessly until every mortal muscle in me ached.
And then, unable to endure their company anymore, satiated with beautiful women, and clinging to Lilia for comfort and affection, I went off into the forest, claiming I needed to talk to God in silence, and there I collapsed.
I lay in perfect stillness, comforted by the silent presence of Lilia, and I thought of all that had taken place. I thought of the case I had meant to lay before God, and how what I had learnt since had only fitted neatly into the case I had meant to make! Nothing I had seen in men could incline me to think differently. That I had offended God, that I had lost Him forever, that I had Sheol to look forward to, for all eternity, these things were real and I knew them, and they beat on my soul and heart. But I couldn't change my mind!
The case I had meant to lay before the Almighty was that these people were above Nature and beyond Nature and demanded more of Him, and all that I had seen only upheld me in what I believed. How they had taken to celestial secrets. How they suffered, and sought for some meaning to justify that suffering! If only there were a Maker and the Maker had his reasons... Oh, it was agony. And at the heart of it blazed the secret of lust.
In the orgasm, as my seed had gone into the women, I had felt an ecstasy that was like the joy of Heaven. I had felt it and felt it only in connection with the body that lay beneath me, and for one split second or less than that I had known, known, known that men were not part of Nature, no, they were better, and they belonged with God and with us!
When they came to me with their few confused beliefs - were there not invisible monsters everywhere? - I told them no. Only God and the Heavenly Court which ordained everything, and the souls of their own in Sheol.
When they asked if bad men and women - who did not obey their laws - were not thrown at death into fire forever - an idea very current amongst them and others - I was horrified, and told them that God would never allow such a thing. A wee newborn soul to be punished in fire forever? Atrocity, I told them. Once again, I said to them that they should venerate the souls of the Dead to ease their own pain and the pain of those Souls, and that when death came they should not be afraid but go easily in the gloom and keep their eyes on the brilliant light of Life on Earth.
I said most of these things because I simply didn't know what to say.
Oh, blasphemy. I had done it, I had really done it. And now what would be my fate? I would grow old and die, a venerated teacher, and before I did - or before some pestilence or wild beast cut off my life sooner - I would engrave into stone and clay everything I could. And then into Sheol I would go, and I would begin to draw the souls to me, and I would say, 'Cry, cry to Heaven!' I would teach them to look upward. I would say the Light is there!
[ he takes a breath, as if each word burns in him a pain. ] 'And now, behold the souls of those who have died are crying and making suit to the gates of heaven.'
And who knew what might happen? Who knew! Yes, yes, I would strengthen Sheol until those cries battered Heaven's gate and brought them down. If you have souls and your souls can grow, then you can be as angels! That was the only hope I had, to rule amongst the forgotten of God.
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[THE POINT IS EMERGING. Thanks, Bob Saget.]
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Lilia died venerated, in time, the wife of a god. [ his whole face brightens, and he laughs ] Lilia - my Lilia - cast out, and casting her lot with a god.
But that was later.
I had been there several months when I woke up and discovered Michael and Raphael had come for me, and said very distinctly: 'God wants you now.'
And I being Azrael, the unredeemable, said 'Oh? Why then doesn't He pick me up and take me out of here, if He so wishes?' [ apparently, he'd also learned snark from his time with the humans. ]
At this point, Michael looked miserable on my behalf and he said, 'Azrael, for the love of God, go willingly back into your proper form. Feel your body grow in stature; let your wings carry you to Heaven. He wants you only if you want to come! Now, Azrael, think before you...'
'No, you don't have to caution me, beloved,' I said to Michael. 'I'm coming, with tears in my eyes, I come.' I knelt down and kissed the sleeping Lilia. She looked up at me. 'This is farewell, my mate, my teacher,' I said as I kissed her, and then, turning, became the Angel, visible to her, letting the matter define me so that she, sitting up on her elbows and crying, would see this last vision and hold it to her heart perhaps when she needed it.
And then, invisible, I joined Michael and Raphael and went Home.
In the first moments, I could scarce believe it; when I passed through Sheol, the souls screamed in agony, and I threw my hands out in consolation. 'I will not forget you! I swear it. I take your suit to Heaven,' and then on and up I went, the light coming down to meet me and envelop me, and the warm love of God - whether prelude to judgment or punishment or forgiveness, I did not know - surrounded me and upheld me. The cries of joy in Heaven were deafening even to my ears, for I had not known what troubles they had seen during Lucifer's escape from the Void, cut off as I was from Heaven. They were glad of something to celebrate.
All the angels of the bene ha elohim were gathered. The Light of God pulsed from the center, and I found that Lucifer stood beside me.
'Am I to be punished?' And all I could feel was thanks that I had seen this light, if only for moments, once again.
I couldn't look into the Light. I had to put my hands up. And as always happens at a meeting of all of Heaven, the Seraphim and the Cherubim closed around God so that the light came in rays from behind them, glorious, and a brightness that we could bear.
The voice of God was immediate and total.
'I have a word for you, my brave ones, my arrogant ones,' He said. 'I have a concept for you to ponder in your angelic wisdom. It is the concept of Gehanna. Of Hell.' This word unfolded to us in all its implications. 'Fire and torment eternal,' said God. 'The inverse of Heaven. Tell me, Lucifer, Azrael, from your hearts. Would that be the appropriate punishment for you both - the very opposite of the glory you forsook? You, to tempt man to the Knowledge of Good and Evil, and you, for the Daughters of Men? Would it be the appropriate sentence - suffering everlasting or until Time is no more?'
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Shit.
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Laughter rang out in heaven. Laughter from one end of the skies to the other. Every single angel was laughing, and of course the laughing was melodic and filled with delight and wonder as always, but laughter it was, and not song.
Only two beings weren't laughing. Myself. And Lucifer. I stood there, having spoken with perfect seriousness and utter amazement that they were laughing at what I had said.
But the strangest phenomenon occurred. God, too, had laughed, and was laughing, softly, with them, in unison, or in a leading rhythm, and only as His laughter slowly died away, so did theirs.
'So you told them that, Azrael. That there would never be a Hell of Eternal Punishment of the Bad; never; that such a place would never exist.'
'Yes, Lord, I did,' I said. 'I couldn't imagine why they had thought of it. Except they get so angry sometimes with their enemies...'
The laughter began again, but God silenced it.
God said, 'Azrael, have you left all your mortal cells on earth? You are in possession of all your angelic faculties? You are not still acting the simpleton out of habit?'
I spoke loud over the continuing laughter. 'No, Lord, I dreamt of this moment. Separation from you was agony. I did what I did out of love, isn't it so? Surely you know better than I.'
'I fear you did,' He answered. 'It was love, yes, that much is true.'
'Lord, I dreamt you would let me come before you and explain the entire thing, make the case I had meant to make when I first saw a Daughter of Men and went to her. Is this to be granted?'
Silence.
I could hear nothing from the Divine Presence, but I realized suddenly that some among the bene ha elohim had drawn close to us. At first I thought no, they are merely shifting and spreading their wings in the light, but I realized now that close behind me stood a small group of angels, and that they had been at the edges of the crowd all the time and were now being pushed towards me.
These angels I knew of course, some much more intimately through debate and argument than others, and they came from all ranks: Zariel, Samyaza, Mastema, Belial, Sammael, Beherit, and Triel. I looked at them in confusion and then towards the Divine Presence.
'Azrael,' said the Lord suddenly. 'These who stand with you, your cohorts, are also asking that you be granted your wish, to make your case, in the hopes that you can make it for them too.'
'I don't understand, Lord.' But in a twinkling, I did. I saw now the sorrow on their faces, and the way they cleaved to me as if I were their protector. I knew in an instant what had happened, that ranging over the whole earth, these angels had done as I had done.
'Not with such a flourish or with such invention,' said the Lord God, 'But they too saw the heat and mystery between the coupled man and woman, and they too found Daughters and Sons of Men to be fair, and took them as husbands and wives.'
Then came again a great uproar. Some were laughing still in that light gay manner as if all of this was splendid and novel entertainment and others were amazed, and those Watchers who clung with us, who seemed in comparison to the bene ha elohim a small number, looked to me desperately, and some even accusingly, and there came a whisper from their midst.
'Azrael, we saw you do it.'
Was God laughing? I couldn't hear it. The light poured out in its immense rays beyond the heads and shoulders and shaded forms of the Seraphim and Cherubim, and the wealth of love seemed eternal and constant as it had always been.
'In tribes throughout the world, my Sons of Heaven have gone down to know the flesh as you would know it, Azrael, though as I have already said, with far less flair and desire to stir the thick atmosphere of Nature and so deliberately disturb my Divine Plan.'
'Lord God, forgive me,' I whispered. And from the legion with me came the same hushed and respectful chorus - except from Lucifer.
'But tell me, you who stand behind Azrael, what do you have to say for yourselves as to why you did this and what you discovered, and what case would you put before the Heavenly Court?'
The answer was silence. Most of these angels fell prostrate before the Lord, asking only forgiveness, while Lucifer and I stood there.
'Ah.' I said, grateful to have his presence beside me. 'It seems, Lord, we stand alone.'
'Haven't you always? My Sons of Heaven, my angels who do not trust the Lord.'
'Lord God, I do trust you!' I said at once, angry suddenly. 'I do! But I don't understand these things, and I cannot still my mind or my personality, it is impossible for me. No, not impossible, but it does not... it does not seem right to be silent. It seems right to make the case, as Lucifer did. It seems that the greatest I can do is make the case, and the greatest thing I can do is to please God.'
There seemed great divisions amongst the others - not the Watchers, who didn't dare to climb to their invisible feet, and had their wings folded over them as if they were birds afraid in the nest - but among the entire Court. There were murmurings, and little songs, and riffs of melody and laughter, and deep soft questions, and many faces turned on me with eyes full of curiosity and even tinged with anger so that their eyebrows made a scowl.
'Make your case!' said the Lord. 'But before you begin, remind yourself, for my sake and the sake of everyone present, that I know all things. I know humankind as you can never know it. I have seen its bloody altars, and its rain dances, and its reeking sacrifices, and I have heard the cries of the wounded, the afflicted, the slowly annihilated. I see Nature in Humankind as I see it in the savagery of the seas or the forests. Don't waste my time, Azrael. Or to put it more clearly so that you will understand it, don't waste the Time you have with me.'
So the moment had come. I stood quietly preparing myself. Never in all my existence had I felt the importance or significance of an event as I felt the meaning of this one now. It is what you would call excitement, perhaps, or exhilaration. But I was already furious with the legion behind me lying on their faces and saying nothing! And suddenly in my fury I realized that as long as they lay there, leaving us alone in the open before God and the court, I wasn't going to speak a word. I folded my arms and stood there.
God started to laugh, a slow, gentle rising laugh, and then all of Heaven joined it irresistibly. And God said to the Fallen Ones, the Watchers, 'Stand up, my sons, or we will all be here until the End of Time.'
'Mockery, Lord, I deserve it,' I said. 'But thank you.'
In a great shuffling of wings and gowns, I heard them rising behind me to stand at least as tall and straight as brave humans could stand on earth below.
'Lord, my case is simple,' I said, 'but surely you cannot ignore it. And I shall state it as simply and flatly as I can. Up until a point in his development, the primate below was part of Nature, and bound by all its laws. And with his larger brain, he grew ever more cunning, and his battles with other animals became as fierce and bloody as the Heavenly Court had ever seen. This is all true. And with this intelligence there came also an increase in the ways and means that Humankind could inflict upon its own great pain.
'But never in all that I have Watched in war and execution, and even the laying waste of whole settlements and villages have I seen anything to surpass the sheer violence of the insect Kingdom or the Kingdom of the Reptiles, or of the Lower Mammals, who blindly and senselessly struggle to do only two things - survive and make more of their own kind.'
I stopped, out of courtesy, and also for effect. The Lord said nothing. I went on.
'Then there came a point, however, when these primates who had, by then, come to strongly resemble Your Own Image as we perceive it in Ourselves, diverged from the rest of Nature, in a marked way. And it was no mere moment of Self Awareness, Lord, when the logic of Life and Death became apparent to them. It was nothing as simple as that. On the contrary, the Self Awareness grew from a new and totally unnatural capacity to love.
'And it was then that humankind broke itself into tight families and clans and tribes, bound together by intimate knowledge of the individuality of each other, rather than sheer recognition of species, and were held together, through suffering and happiness, by the bond of love.
Lord, the human family is beyond Nature. If you were to go down and--'
'Azrael, take care!' God whispered.
'Yes, Lord,' I said, nodding, and clasped my hands behind me so as not to make ferocious gestures. 'What I should have said was that when I went down and I looked into the family, here and there and all over the World which you have Created, which you have allowed to unfold magnificently, I saw the family as a new and unprecedented flower. a blossom of emotion and intellect that in its tenderness was cut loose from the stems of Nature, from which it had taken its nourishment and was now at the mercy of the wind. Love, Lord, I saw it, I felt Love of Men and Women for one another and for their Children, and their willingness to sacrifice for one another, and to grieve for those who were dead, and to seek for their souls in the hereafter, and to think, Lord, of a hereafter where they might be reconciled with these souls again.
'It was out of this love and family, it was out of this rare and unprecedented bloom - so Creative, Lord, that it seemed in your Image of your Creation - that the souls of these beings remained alive after death! What else in Nature can do this, Lord? All gives back to the Earth what it has taken. Your Wisdom is Manifest throughout; and all those that suffer and die beneath the canopy of your heavens are mercifully bathed din brutal ignorance of the scheme which ultimately involved their own deaths.
'Man, not so! Woman, not so! And, in their hearts, loving one another as they do, mate with mate, and family with family, they have imagined Heaven, Lord. They have imagined it; the time of the reunion of souls when their kin will be restored to them and to each other, and will sing in bliss! They have imagined eternity because their love demands it, Lord. They have conceived of these ideas as they conceive of fleshly children! This I, the Watcher, have seen.'
Another silence. All of heaven was so still that the only sounds came from the earth below, the purring of the wind, and the dim stirring of the seas, the pale faraway cries of souls on earth as well as souls in Sheol.
'Lord,' I said, 'they long for Heaven. And imagining eternity, or immortality, I know not which, they suffer injustice, separation, disease, and death, as no other animal could possibly suffer it. And their souls are great. And in Sheol they reach out beyond the love of self and the service of self in the name of Love. Love goes back and forth between Earth and Sheol eternally. Lord, they have made a lower tier of the invisible court! Lord, they seek to propitiate your wrath, because they know You are Here! They want to know everything about You. And about themselves. They know and they want to know!'
This was the heart of my case, and I knew it. But again, there came from God no response or interruption.
'I couldn't see,' I said, 'as anything less than Your greatest accomplishment, the self-aware human, conceiving of Time, with a brain vast enough already for learning that is coming so fast that we Watchers could scarce keep track of all of it. But the suffering, the torment, the curiosity - it was a lamentation seemingly made for the ears of Angels, and of God, if I may dare to say.
'The case I came to make was, Lord, can these souls, either in the flesh, or in Sheol, not be given some part of our light? Can they not be given Light as animals are given water when they thirst? And will not these souls, once taken into Divine Confidence, be worthy perhaps to take some small place in this Court, which is without End?'
The quiet seemed dreamy and eternal, like the Time before Time.
'Could it be tried, Lord? For if it is not tried, what is to be the fate of these invisible surviving souls except to grow stronger and more entangled with the flesh in ways that give rise not to revelations of the true Nature of things, but corrupted ideas based on fragmentary evidence and instinctive fear?'
This time, I gave up on the idea of a polite pause and forged ahead immediately.
'Lord, when I went into the flesh, when I went with the woman, it was because she was fair, yes, and resembled us, and offered a species of pleasure in the flesh which to us is unknown. Granted, Lord, that pleasure is immeasurably small compared to your magnificence, but Lord, I tell you, in the moment when I lay with her, and she with me; and we knew that pleasure together, that small flame did roar with a sound very like the songs of the Most High!
'Our hearts stopped together, Lord. We knew in the flesh eternity, the man in me knew that the women knew it. We knew something that rises above all earthly expectations, something that is purely Divine.'
I fell silent. What more could I say? I would be embroidering my case with examples, for Someone Who knew all things. I folded my arms and looked down, respectfully, musing and listening to the souls in Sheol, and for one second their faint faraway cries distracted me, drew me right out of the heavenly presence for an instant of realization that they were calling on me and reminding me of my promise and hoping for my return.
'Lord God, forgive me,' I said. 'Your wonders have snared me. And I wrong if that was not your plan.'
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It wasn't good enough.
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'I trust in you, Lord,' I said suddenly, thinking and speaking simultaneously. 'Or else I would have fallen on my face as have the other Watchers. And that is not to say that they do not trust. But only to say that I believe you want me to understand Goodness, that your essence is Goodness, and you will not suffer these souls to cry in gloom and ignorance. You will not suffer the ingenious Humankind to continue without any inkling of the Divine.'
For the first time, He spoke very softly and offhandedly.
'Azrael, you've given them more than an inkling.'
'Yes, Lord, it is so. But Lord, the souls of the dead have given them much inspiration, and encouragement, and those souls are out of Nature, as we have beheld it, and growing stronger by the day. If there is a species of energy, Lord, natural and complicated beyond my understanding, then I am totally taken by surprise. For it seems they are made of what we are made of Lord, the invisible, and each is individual and has its own will. Lucifer was right, Lord. '
Silence again. Then the Lord spoke.
'Very well. I have heard your case. Now I have for you a question. For all that you gave Humankind, Azrael, what precisely did they give you?'
I was startled by the question.
'And don't speak to me of love now, Azrael,' He added. 'Of their capacity to love one another. On this the Heavenly Court is well informed and totally agreed. But what did they give you, Azrael? What did you get in return for the risks you took by entering into their realm?'
'Confirmation, Lord,' I said hastily, reaching for the deepest truth without distortion. 'They knew an Angel when they saw one. Just as I supposed they would.'
'Ah!' A great roar of laughter came from the Heavenly Throne and once again it swept up Heaven, so loud I'm sure that it must have reached the weak and struggling ears of Sheol. The Whole Heavens were rocking with laughing and singing.
At first I didn't dare to speak or do anything, and then suddenly, angrily perhaps, or should I say, willfully, I raised my hand.
'But I mean this in all seriousness, Lord! I was not some being beyond their dreams! Lord, did you plant the seed for this when you Created the Universe, that these beings would raise their voices to you? Will you tell me? One way or the other, can I know?'
The angels quieted down in little groups and pockets at first and then the laughter tapered off altogether, and something else replaced it, a soft singing of tribute to God in his patience, a soft acknowledgment of his patience with me.
I didn't join in this song. I looked to the great outer stretches of the rays of Light that came from God, and the mystery of my own stubbornness and my own anger and my own curiosity subdued me somewhat, but did not throw me for one second into despair.
'I trust in you, Lord. You know what you're doing. You have to. Otherwise we are... lost.'
I broke off, stunned at what I had just said. It far exceeded any challenge I'd thrown at God so far, seemed to even exceed the implications Lucifer had made, although I was still unaware of what he had done in my absence. In horror, I looked at the Light, and thought, what if He doesn't know what He's doing and never has!
My hands went to my face to stop my lips from saying something rash and thereby tell my brain to stop with its rash and blasphemous thoughts. I knew God! God was There. And I stood before Him. How dare I think such a thing, and yet He had said, 'You do not trust me,' and that was exactly what He had meant.
It seemed the Light of God grew infinitely brighter; it expanded; the shapes of Seraphim and Cherubim grew small and utterly transparent, and the light filled me and filled the recesses of all angels, and I felt in communion with them that all of us were so totally loved by God that we could never long for or imagine anything more.
Then the Lord spoke, the words wholly different now, for they competed with this effulgence of Love which overpowered the thinking mind. Nevertheless, I heard them and they penetrated to my heart.
And everyone else heard them too.
'Azrael, go into Sheol, and take Lucifer with you,' He said, 'and find there but ten souls who are worthy, of all those millions, to join us in Heaven. Say what you will to them as you examine them; but find Ten who you believe are worthy to live with us. Then bring those souls back to me, and we will continue from there on.'
I was ecstatic. 'Lord, we can do it! I know we can!' I cried out.
And suddenly I saw the faces of Michael and Raphael and Uriel, who had been almost obscured by the light of God, which was now receding within more endurable bounds. Michael looked frightened for me, and Raphael was weeping. Uriel seemed merely to watch, without emotion, neither on my side or for me, or for the souls, or for anyone. It was the face that Angels used to have before Time began.
'We can go now?' I said. 'And when must we return?'
'When you will,' said the Lord, 'and when you can.'
Ah, I understood. If we didn't find those ten souls, we weren't coming back.
I nodded, lovely logic and felt Lucifer's agreement at my side. I understood it. I accepted it.
I was about to speak, to ask, What of the Watchers, this little legion of flesh-educated angels behind me, when the Lord answered.
'They will wait in their proper place in Heaven for your return. They will not know my decision, nor their fate, until you bring those souls to me, Azrael, souls that I shall find worthy to be in my Heavenly home.'
'I understand, Lord. We're leaving with your permission!'
And asking nothing further, broaching no questions as to restrictions or limitations, I, Azrael the Archangel, and Lucifer, the Accuser of God, left Heaven immediately and descended into the great airy mists of Sheol.
So we came to Sheol, which I had only observed from outside before, and which was now enormous, containing still some of the first souls that ever sputtered with enduring life, and now millions of souls whose creeds and yearnings for the eternal had brought them to this place with great ferocity. Lucifer told me of what had occurred in the garden, and I shared his anger at God's pronouncement: if Adam and Eve bore the first souls, what were these spirits? The proof was all around us, that God was unjust in dismissing them. Mad expectations had pitched countless spirits into confusion. Others had grown so strong they exerted a sort of rulership among the others. And some had learned the trick of going down to Earth, escaping from the pull of other invisible souls altogether, and for wandering close to the flesh they would possess again, or influence, or harm, or love as the case might be. And there was a mad confusion of everything, for Lucifer's demons had slipped into the invisible world as well, and they too prowled the earth and the spiritual realm, eager to possess, wreak havoc, or make mischief, as their developments allowed. Where they encountered strong emotion of the sort they were bred of, they would multiply, existing twixt the visible and the invisible. But the great thrust of the world was and always has been the fate of its millions of Humankind.
Lucifer told me, also, of another development which had gone unmentioned at the great meeting in Heaven, one which had apparently been deemed unmentionable. Not only had he too taken a wife from among the humans, but he had fathered a child, and God had so cursed the infant as to be bound eternally to the earth, immortal and monstrous, feeding upon the blood of men to survive. All this had served only to make both of us more determined, to help these humans share in heaven's light.
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But that's probably how they like the tales to be told.]
So then what?
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Now, we plunged into the very middle of this, trying to make ourselves as invisible as we possibly could; to conceive of ourselves as utterly without any discernible form; but this is hard. For this was a realm of the invisible; everything there was invisible. And so there we began to wander on the dreary roads in semidarkness, among the malformed, the half-formed, the unformed, the moaning and dying, and we in our angelic forms.
Nevertheless, the confused souls didn't take very much notice of us! It was as if many couldn't see clearly at all. Now, you know this state has been described by human shamans in the past, by saints, by those who have come close to death, passed through it, and then been revived and continued to live. I'm sure you've run across as much many a time.
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So yes, a madhouse of sorts, the Valley of the Shadow of Death, the terrible river of monsters over which souls dread to cross to Paradise. And of course, none had ever crossed up to that point.
The first thing we did was listen; we listened to the song of any soul who would sing to us, that is, speak, in our language; we caught up any coherent declaration or question or supposition that struck our ears. What did these souls know? What had become of them?
And in short order we discovered that there were tiers to this awful, gloom filled place, tiers created out of the will of souls to seek others like themselves. The place had become stratified, rather loosely and grimly, but there was an order born out of the degree of each soul's awareness, acceptance, confusion, or wrath.
Closest to the earth lay the damnedest, those who kept struggling to eat or drink or possess others, or could not accept what had happened or did not understand.
Just beyond them came a layer of souls who did nothing but fight each other, scream, yell, push, shove, strive to harm or overcome or invade or escape in hopeless confusion. These souls never even saw us. But again, your humans have seen this and described it in many, many manuscripts over the centuries. Nothing I say surely is a surprise.
And farther from this struggle, nearest to the calm of Heaven - though I don't speak really of literal directions here - were those who had come to understand that they had passed out of Nature, and were somewhere else. And these souls, some of them having been there since the Beginning, had grown patient in their attitudes, and patient in their watching of Earth, and patient with others around them, whom they sought to help in Love to accept their death.
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And Earth by this time, as you know, had seen wars unspeakable, and whole civilizations dissolved by volcanic disaster. The variety and possibilities of suffering increased all the time. It wasn't only in proportion to learning, either, or cultural development. When I looked at Earth, I didn't even try to figure out what ruled the passions of those in one jungle as opposed to the groups in another, or why one population spent generations piling stone upon stone. I knew, of course, more or less everything, but I was not now on an earthly mission.
The dead had become our realm.
We drew near to these souls who looked down with mercy and compassion, who sought by thought to influence others for the good. Ten, twenty, thirty, I saw thousands. Thousands, I tell you, in whom all hope of rebirth or great reward was gone, souls in which existed total acceptance; that this was death; that this was eternity; souls enamored with the flesh and blood they could see just as we Angels had been enamored and still were.
We sat amongst these souls and started to talk with them, here and there, where we could get their attention, and it soon became obvious that they were rather indifferent to our forms, because they assumed we had chosen them as they had chosen theirs, and some of them resembled men and women, and some didn't bother. So I suspect they actually thought us rather new to Sheol in that we had to make such ferocious displays with arms and legs and wings. But they could be distracted from earth, if approached very politely, and we began to question them, remembering to strike for the truth only, but not to be rude.
We must have talked to millions. We roamed Sheol, talking to souls. And the hardest thing in each instance was to get the attention of the individual either off the earth, or off some phantasm of lost existence, or out of a state of airy contemplation in which concentration was now so alien and required such an effort that it couldn't be induced.
The wisest, the most loving souls, did not want to bother with our questions. And only gradually would they realize that we were not mortal men but something of much different substance, and that there was a point to our questions that had to do with a place of reference beyond Earth. You see, this was the dilemma. They had been in Sheol so long that they no longer speculated about the reason for Life or Creation; they no longer cursed a God they didn't know or sought a God who hid from them. And when we began to ask our questions, they thought we were way down there with the new souls, dreaming of punishments and rewards which were never to come.
These wise souls contemplated their past lives in a long wrathless reverie, and sought to answer prayers from below as I have said. They watched over their kindred, their clansmen, their own nations; they watched over those who attracted their attention with accomplished and spectacular displays of religiosity; they watched with sadness the suffering of humans and wished they could help and tried to help by thought when they could.
Almost none of these very strong and patient souls sought the flesh again. But some of them had in the past. They had gone down and been reborn and discovered in the final analysis that they could not remember from one fleshly life to another, so there was no real reason to keep being born! Better to linger here, in the eternity that was known to them, and to watch the Beauty of Creation, and it did seem very beautiful to them, as it had seemed to us.
Well, it was out of these questions, these endless and thoughtful conversations with the dead, that our criteria evolved.
First, to be worthy of Heaven - to have a ghost of a chance with God, I could say - the Soul had to understand life and death in the simplest sense. We found many souls who did. Next there had to be in this understanding an appreciation of the Beauty of God's work, the harmony of Creation from God's point of view, a vision of Nature wrapped in endless and overlapping cycles of survival and reproduction and evolution and growth.
Many souls had come to understand this. Many had. But many who thought life was beautiful felt that death was sad and endless and terrible and they would have chosen never to have been born, had they been given the choice!
I didn't know what to do in the face of that conviction, but it was very widespread. Why did He make us, Whoever He is, if we are to be here like this forever, out of it and never part of it again, unless we wish to dip down and suffer all that torment all over again, for a few moments of glory, which we won't appreciate any more next time than last time, because we can't take our knowledge with us if we are reborn!
Indeed, it was at this point which many souls had ceased to develop or change. They felt great concern and mercy for those who were alive, but they knew sorrow, and joy was not something that they could even imagine anymore. They moved towards peace; and peace indeed seemed about the finest state which they could achieve. Peace, broken by the struggle to answer prayers, was particularly difficult, but to me, as an angel, very attractive. And we stayed in the company of those souls for a long, long time.
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No, we had to be very careful. We could not proclaim knowledge from atop boulders as I had done in my short time on earth. If we were to intrude on the progress of one of these dead ones, there had to be a very good chance that that soul would follow us to God's throne.
Understanding of life and death? That wasn't enough. Acceptance of death? That wasn't enough. Indifference to life and death, that wasn't good enough surely. Quiet confusion and drifting. No. That sort of soul had lost its character. It was as far from an Angel as was the rain that fell on Earth.
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And these souls absolutely astonished me by their radiance, their tranquility, and the degrees of knowledge which they had attained and retained. First of all, almost every one of them had a full human shape. That is, they had realized their original forms or perhaps ideal forms in the invisible. They looked like angels! They were invisible men, women, and children, and they had about them accoutrements that had been dear in life. Some of them were brand new and had come from death thoughtful and seeking and ready for the mysterious. Others had learned all in Sheol over centuries of watching and fearing to lose their individuality, no matter how terrible things did appear. But all were intensely visible! And anthropomorphic, though of course they were diaphanous, as all spirits are; and some were paler than others; but all essentially could be seen clearly by others and themselves.
We went amongst them, expecting to be snubbed, but we realized immediately that these souls saw us differently than the others. They saw everything differently. They were more attuned to the subtleties of the invisible because they had accepted its condition totally. If I wished to be what I was, let me be it, they thought, and they judged us very seriously on how well we succeeded in being these tall creatures, winged and long haired and dressed in flowing robes. Within moments of our arrival, we felt happiness around us. We felt acceptance. We felt a total lack of resistance and a daring curiosity. They knew we were not human souls. They knew because they had reached a point where they could see this! They could see a lot about every other soul they looked at. And they could see a great deal of the world below.
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'What makes you so different?' I asked this woman. 'What makes all of you here, clustered together in this place, so very different?'
With an acuity that astonished me, this woman asked me who I was. Dead souls just usually don't ask that question. They plunge right into their helpless preoccupations and obsessions. But she said, 'Who are you and what are you? I have never seen one like you before here. Only when I was alive.'
'I don't want to tell you yet,' I said. 'But I want to learn from you. Will you tell me why you seem happy? You are happy, aren't you?'
'Yes,' she said. 'I'm with those I love, and look below, look at all of it.'
'Then you harbor no questions about all of it?' I pushed, 'You don't long to know why you were born or why you suffered or what happened to you when you died or why you're here?'
To my further amazement, she laughed. Laughter I had never heard in Sheol. It was soft, soothing, merry laughter, sweet laughter, laughter like the laughter of angels, and I think I sang to her softly in response, rather naturally, and at this her soul exploded like a blossom, the way fleshly souls had exploded below when they they had learnt to love each other! She warmed to me and opened. 'You are beautiful,' she whispered respectfully.
'But why, why are all these others in this place so unhappy, and why are you few here filled with peace and joy? Yes, I know, I have looked below. And you are with those you love. But so are all these others.'
'We don't resent God anymore,' she said. 'Any of us here. We don't hate Him.'
'The others do?'
'It's not that they hate Him,' she said gently, being very careful with me, as if I were easy to bruise. 'It's that they can't forgive Him for all this... for the world, for what's happened, and for this state of Sheol in which we languish. But we can. We have forgiven Him. And all of us have done it for various reasons, but forgiveness of God, that we have attained. We accept that our lives have been wondrous experiences, and worth the pain and suffering, and we cherish now the joy we knew, and the moments of harmony, and we have forgiven Him for not ever explaining it all to us, for not justifying it, not punishing the bad or rewarding the good, or whatever else it is that all these souls, living and dead, expect of Him. We forgive Him. We don't know, but we suspect that maybe He knows a great secret about how all this pain could come to pass and still be good. And if He doesn't want to tell, well, He is God. But whatever, we forgive Him and we Love Him in our forgiveness, even though we know He may never care about any of us, any more than He cares for the pebbles on the beach below.'
I was speechless. I sat very still, letting these souls of their own volition gather around me. Then one very young soul, the soul of a child, said:
'It seemed a terrible thing at first that God would bring us into the world to be murdered as we were, all of us - for you see, we three here died in war - but we have forgiven Him, because we know that if He could make something as beautiful as Life and Death, then He must Understand.'
'You see,' said another soul to me. 'it comes to this. We would suffer it all again, if we had to. And we would try to be better to each other and more loving. But it was worth it.'
'Yes,' said another. 'It took me all my life on Earth to Forgive God for the world, but I did it before I died, and came to dwell here with these others. And look, if you try hard, you'll see that we have made this something of a garden. It's hard for us. We work only with our minds and wills and memories, and imaginations, but we are making a place where we can remember what was good. And we forgive Him and we love Him that He gave us this much.'
'Yes,' said another. 'that He gave us anything at all. We are grateful and full of love for Him. For surely out there in the darkness is a great Nothing, and we have seen so many below who were obsessed with Nothing and with Misery, and they never knew the joys that we knew or know now.'
'This isn't easy,' said another soul. 'It's been a great struggle. But to make love was good, and to drink was good, and to dance and sing was beautiful, and to run drunk through the rain was joyous; and beyond there lies a chaos, an absence, and I am grateful that my eyes opened upon the world below and that I can remember it and see it from here.'
I thought for a long time without answering any of them, and they continued to talk to me, drawn to me, as if the light in me, if there was any visible light, was attracting them. Lucifer found us, and he too began to listen, sharing my amazement. In fact, the more we responded to their questions, the more they opened and seemed to understand their own answers more meaningfully, the denser and more intense the declarations became.
We soon saw these people had come from all nations and all walks of life. And though kinship bound many of them tightly together, that was not true with them all. In fact, many had lost sight of their dead kin entirely in other realms of Sheol. Others had never even laid eyes on them. While some had been greeted at the moment of death by their lost ones! And these were people of the world and all its beliefs gathered here in this place where light was beginning to shine forth.
'Your lives on earth, was there one common thread?' I asked finally. They couldn't answer. They really didn't know. They had not questioned each other about their lives, and as I asked them quick, random questions, it became clear that there had been no thread! Some of these people had been very rich, others poor, some had suffered unspeakably, some had suffered nothing but had known a golden prosperity and leisure in which they had grown to love Creation before they were even dead.
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1/SEVERAL EXCITING TAGS
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wtf is that icon lmfao
Des's suffering represented by hookers that's what
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