behindcloseddoors | CLOSED ♔ and who shall i blame for this sweet and heavy trouble

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CLOSED ♔ and who shall i blame for this sweet and heavy trouble

WHO || Des, Azrael [Closed]
WHAT || Des learns some unfortunate things
WHERE || Chicago
WHEN || Sometime during the trial, immediately following this [backdated]
HOW || Actionspam. Single thread.

AND SUDDENLY DES FINDS HIMSELF... on a roof. Above what looks like is still Chicago. There's a bit of a chill wind out but it's still November, not the arctic chills of January, so they can deal. Azrael releases himself instantly and moves to sit on the ledge, looking down at the city.

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[Des ducks his head and walks, sullen and quiet, and waiting for Lucifer to speak up again. When he doesn't, he looks at Azrael, hoping to find the end of the story with her, but he deems it a fruitless hope and turns back to stare at Lucifer's back.]

Keep going. [He coaxes, though surprisingly gentle, despite his growing lack of patience.]

[ he takes his time to respond, but finally does ] The Revelations of Evolution are, for the time being, finished. I've told you what I saw - the thin outline of all you'll know once you die.

Now what is left is the heart of our story, and I should like it to be told here. Here in this beautiful place, though the rivers themselves are long gone from the earth and so are the men and women who roamed at this time. And to answer your question, 'Where are we?' Let me say: Here is where He finally flung us down from Heaven. Here is where we Fell.

[Des sucks in a breath at the word die and kicks at a pebble, nodding somberly.]

Because you kept questioning.

I pushed too far. Now that Evolution had finally created man as you know it today, God was, apparently, satisfied by what He had wrought. He selected two of the species, one male, one female, and brought them to the center of the garden that you know of as Eden. He called the entirety of the angelic ranks to look upon them there, and declared them 'human', granting them that name, and told us that these two were the bearers of the first souls.

I was livid, as you can imagine, outraged at His distinction between these two 'paragons' of His and the souls that had already suffered and been lost to death, to hang forever about the earth in torment. What was more, I was horrified at the implications, given man's connection to nature - that he was an extension of it, in the worst ways, as well as the best.

He called all the hosts of angels to look upon Man, and ordered us to bow before them. Did I refuse?

Yes.

However, by insubordination was not born of pride, or envy over God's new 'favorites'. I was aghast that He could, that He would have created this system that granted spirits to these beings, that He would proclaim them His triumph, when they remained slaves to instinct, unable to distinguish between actions good or evil. What separated them from the beasts besides that their souls wore on eternally after their death, void of hope, directionless without conscience?

My words angered God beyond anything I'd seen in Him before. My refusal to bow down, my horror on behalf of these two creatures, was too far, even for His infinite patience. He banished me into the Void: an empty dimension that He created just for the occasion - of, as you might say, allowing me to think about what I had done.

Edited 2014-02-03 04:11 (UTC)

And you've been thinking on this for a long-ass time, buddy. [Another glance at Azrael.] Obviously.

[A shrug.] No reigning in Hell, huh?

[ just like you imagined - nine inch nails ]

Oh, I didn't stay there, Descant. For some time, of course, I remained, but I was not satisfied with imprisonment. Before I was cast into the Void, I was aware of God's foolish placement of his infamous tree in the Garden - the one he warned them never to touch. Moving beyond even the ridiculous nature of this test of his, my mind was consumed by the Nature of that tree.

Have you ever given thought to what that means - Knowledge of Good and Evil?

I don't like moral quandaries, so no. [That's probably why he's here. Ruthless, but with a conscience. Merciless, but with compassion. He's some kind of functioning composite of the best of worst humanity can offer.]

Conscience, Descant, is exactly what I'm talking about. It's what we have that animals don't - the ability to differentiate good actions from evil ones, and the freedom to choose between them.

You might call it free will.

That's what God denied mankind.

Should I feel now that I was in error then, granting them that much? If I'm meant to regret it, you can be assured, the day will never come.

[Des smirks.] Now you're speaking my language.

[ in the nightside of eden - him ]

I thought you might agree.

There I sat, in the Void, thinking on this, and in my determination, I came to discover something astonishing: that by exercising my will upon the Void, I could alter it in certain ways. I began to experiment, and found it linked to the strong emotions that had been born within me during all that occurred since Matter was first created. Eventually, I realized that I could create form out of the Void, and in expunging the fear, the anger, the doubt from my system, living beings took form.

[ he sounds disgusted as he relates this bit, waving a hand ] I regret now that they were ever unleashed on this world, but that's how they came into being first - the demons. That's what demons are, compacted dark emotion, each a representation of a single feeling. Manifestations of the horrific possibilities God had awakened through his system of suffering.

But their creation was incidental: through my experimentation, I learned to control Matter in ways that would have once seemed impossible. Men would later learn this power from me and my disciples - it's what is often referred to in your age as arcane magic. But at that time, it was my means to an end, and I wielded this tool to rip open my cage - to tear apart the fabric between worlds, so that I might put an end to this madness and grant mankind what they so deserved.

I suspected God had angels on watch against my return, and so I conjured one of my new creations out of the Void - more powerful than any other that I had made thus far, who took the form of a Serpent. I set her free into the Garden, and well - you know the end of that story.

My actions had an unexpected and unintended consequence, however. The tear I had made between worlds was small at first, but it damaged the fabric between dimensions. God Himself was either unable, or more likely to, unwilling to repair it; and it has been the source of this... slippage between worlds that you are aware of, ever since.

[UHHH.

WELL.

Thanks, Satan????]

I feel so enlightened. [Deadpan. Because wow. He was not prepared for that bit of truthiness.] So that was all you- magic, demons, the Veil. [He rubs at his face.] I always knew that bearcat of a sorceress they've got out there was from the devil.

You can't imagine any of it went without consequence. God punished this "Original Sin" of his by damning mankind to a prison of their own: he created a mirror of Toril, the Shadow World, in this one, but intended it to be sealed off entirely. That's why trips here are one way, for those who slip through the cracks. This world was meant to be free of the magic I'd created, but that too, slipped through eventually. And what is more, he admitted he had been wrong regarding mankind, and began creating new races in Toril, each of which subsequently failed his 'test' just as spectacularly as the last. But by then, our focus was on the plight of Earth, and God himself had tied our fates to that world, having his own designs for the other.

But my story is not the only one that mattered, during all this. [ he looks to azrael and nods ] When I was punished, Azrael began a different journey, one that is not mine to share.

[Des turns to Azrael and mutters under his breath:] Tell me you're a better storyteller than him.

[But this is, apparently, where it gets super relevant. He hopes.]

[ she tosses him a wry look, but picks up immediately ] As Lucifer says: I was angered by his punishment, hurt by God's actions, and I rushed to defend him, hoping it would soothe God's rage.

God said 'Wait!' So I found myself stopped at the gates of Heaven, along with all my companions, the angels who generally went and did what we did, and Michael and Gabriel and Uriel, though not among our companions, were there too.

'Azrael,' said God, and the words were spoken with the characteristic gentleness and a great effulgence of light. 'Before you come into Heaven, and you begin your diatribe, go back down to this Earthly prison and study all you have seen thoroughly and with respect - by this I mean humankind - so that when you come to me, to defend Lucifer's actions, you have given yourself every chance to understand and to behold all I have done. I tell you now that Humankind is part of Nature, and subject to the Laws of Nature which you have seen unfold all along. No one should understand better than you and Lucifer, save I. But go, see for yourself. Then, and only then, will I call together a convocation in Heaven, of all angels, of all ranks, and all endowments, and I will listen to what you have to say. Take with you those who seek the same answers you seek and leave me those angels who have never cared, nor take notice, nor thought of anything but to live in My Light.'

[ Azrael pauses, as they walk slowly along the bank of the narrow sea until they come to a place where several boulders make a natural place to sit and to rest. She sits beside Des, turns to him slightly on her left, and her wings once again fade. But first they rise, and stretch out, the left far above his head and the whole wingspan startling. But then they disappear. There simply isn't room for them when Azrael is seated, at least not for them to be folded behind her, so they are gone. ]

Immediately following these words, there was a great commotion in Heaven over who wanted to go down and examine the Creation with me and who did not. Now understand, angels were all over Creation as it was, as we've told you, and many had already been years on Earth, and fallen in love with creeks, and valleys, and even the deserts which had begun to appear. But this was a special message the Lord had given me - Go and Learn All You Can About Mankind - and there was some question as to who was as interested or as passionate about the mysteries of the human race as was I.

Now, Lucifer jumped over this, but let me explain about the ranks and endowments of angels. Surely you've heard some of the truth from the lore, and guessed at more of it from those you have met. God created us first - the archangels - Lucifer, Azrael, Michael, Gabriel, Uriel, Raphael, and Jophiel.

[ lucifer speaks up, almost offhandedly ] And we were the First Made, as Azrael said, though who exactly came before whom has become a hysterical subject of argument in Heaven, and one in which I lost interest a long time ago. Besides, I'm convinced that I am the first anyway. But it doesn't matter.

We are those who communicate in the most direct way with God, and also with Earth. That's why we have been labeled Guardian Angels, as well as Archangels, and sometimes in the religious literature we are given a low rank. We don't have a low rank. What we have is the greatest personality and the greatest flexibility, between God and man. Remliel. Zerachiel. They have their place now in lieu of us among the Archangels, but I cannot possibly explain how the selection was done to you now. You'll know all that when you're dead anyways. And also it's almost too much for a human mind, such as your own, to comprehend. But what I'm saying is that the names refer to actual entities. Now let me continue. Let me stick with the schemes. We, as I told you, are God's Messengers, and Most Powerful Angels, and we [ she gestures to herself and lucifer ] were fast becoming God's Accusers, as you can see! And Satan, and all those dreadful names that we don't like are in some way connected with that idea.

[ lucifer nods ] Accuser. And the early religious writers, knowing only bits and pieces of the truth, thought it was man whom I accused, not God; but there are reasons for this, as you'll soon see. You might say I have become the Great Accuser of everybody. [ He seems mildly exasperated, but then his voice resumes, very calm and measured. ] But my name is Lucifer, and there is no angel more powerful or clever than I am and there never was.

[ somehow there doesn't sound like any boast in his statement, despite its words. then again, it's difficult to doubt. ]

The Nine Choirs, making up the bene ha elohim, they are all there. And very well described by Hebrew and Christian scholars, thanks to times of revelation and perhaps disaster, though one would be hard put to determine the nature of each event. The First Triad is made of Three Choirs, the Seraphim, Cherubim, and Thrones or Ophanim, as I prefer to call them. And this First Triad is in general locked to the glory of God. They are in His thrall, thrive in the light which can blind or dazzle others, and almost never get very far from the light at all.

At times when I am angry and making speeches to all of Heaven, I accuse them... if you'll pardon the expression again - of being held to God as if by a magnet and not having a free will or personality such as we possess. But they have these things, they do, even the Ophanim, who are in general the least articulate or eloquent - in fact, Ophanim are likely to say nothing for eons - and any of these First Triad can be sent by God to do this and that, and have appeared on Earth, and some of the Seraphim have made rather spectacular appearances to men and women as well. To their credit, they adore God utterly, they experience without reserve the ecstasy of His presence, and He fills them completely so that they do not ask questions of Him and they are more docile, or more truly aware of God, depending on one's point of view.

The Second Triad has Three Choirs which have been given the names by men of Dominations, Virtues, and Powers. But to tell the truth, there is very little difference between these angels and the First Triad. The Second Triad is a little farther from the Light of God and perhaps as close as it can come, given its endowments, and perhaps it is not so clever when it comes to logic or questions. Who knows? Certainly, the Second is more docile altogether; but then there is more coming and going from the Second Triad, from Earth to Heaven, then from the devoted and magnetized, and sometimes arrogant Seraphim. You can see how this could lead to much discussion.

Both triads sing continuously when they are in Heaven, and most of the time when they are on Earth; their songs rise to Heaven spontaneously and continuously; they don't erupt with the deliberate jubilation of my song or the songs of those like me. Nor do they fall silent for long periods as our kind - Archangels - are apt to do.

When you're dead you'll be able to hear the song of all these triads. It would destroy you now if you did. We've let you hear part of the Din of Heaven, but that's all it can be to you, a din - the sound of song, and mingled laughter, and seemingly erratic eruptions of beautiful sound.

The Lowest Triad is supposed to include Principalities, Archangels, and Angels, but this is misleading, as I said. For we, the Archangels, are in fact the most powerful and the most important, have the most personality, and are the most questioning and concerned.

The other angels think we are flawed on that account. It does not occur to the average Seraph to plead for mercy for mankind.

But here you have a rough scheme of things. The angels are innumerable. And there is mobility among angels, some drifting closer to God than others, and then away when the majesty is too great for them, and they choose to slip back and sing a softer song. It's continuous.

Now the important thing is that the Guardian Angels of Earth, the Watchers, those who became intent upon Creation, came from all these ranks! Even from the very Seraphim there have come Guardians who have spent millions of years on Earth and then gone Home. Going and coming is common. The disposition I describe is innate but not fixed.

Angels aren't perfect. You can see that already. They are Created Beings. They don't know everything God knows, that's obvious to you and everyone else. But they know a great deal; they know all that can be known in Time if they wish to know it; and that is where angels differ, you see. Some wish to know everything in Time, and some care only for God and God's reflection in those of His most devoted souls.

In other words, everyone's right about it, and everybody's sort of wrong - but more right than wrong. Angels are individuals, that is the key. We Who Fell are no single species, unless being the brightest, the most clever, and the most comprehending makes us a species, which I don't think it does.

[Des draws one knee up to his chin, nodding along with her explanation.]

You all just stopped drinking the kool-aid and got thrown out, so you wouldn't rock the boat.

You might say that.

So, a gathering of Angels decided to go with me, to draw as close as possible to Matter in order to pull together for ourselves an entire knowledge, to better comprehend, as God had asked us to do. Michael came with me. And so did a host of other archangels. There were a few Seraphim. There were a few Ophanim. And some of the lower orders which are the least intelligent angels, but nevertheless angels, and much in love with Creation and curious as to what was making me so angry with God.

I can't give you the number of how many we were. But when we reached the earth, we went our separate ways to perceive things, and came together often and instantly and agreed upon what we had seen.

What united us was our interest in the statement of God that Humankind was part of Nature. We just couldn't see how this was true. We went exploring.

Very quickly, I learnt that men and women lived now in large groups, very unlike the other primates, that they built shelters for themselves, that they painted their bodies with various colors, that the women often lived separate from the men, and that they believed in something invisible. Now what was that? Was it the souls of the ancestors, the dearly departed who were still locked in the air of Earth, disembodied and confused?

Yes, it was the souls of ancestors, but the humans worshiped other entities as well. They imagined a God who had made the Wild Beasts and to him they made blood sacrifice on Altars, thinking this aspect of Almighty God to be a personality of very distinct limits and rather easy to please or displease.

Now I can't say this was a very big surprise to me. I'd seen the early signs of it. After all, I too had seen the millions of years Lucifer telescoped for you in the Revelations. But when I drew near to these altars, when I heard the specific prayer to the God of the Wild Animals; when I began to see the care and deliberation of the sacrifice - the slaying of a ram or a deer - I was much struck by the fact that not only had these humans come to look like Angels, but they had guessed at the truth.

They had come upon it instinctively! There was a God. They knew. They didn't know what He was like but they knew. And this instinctive knowledge seemed to spring from the same essence as did their surviving spiritual souls. Let me be even clearer.

Self-consciousness, and the awareness of one's own death - this had created a sense of distinct individuality in humans; and this individuality feared death; feared annihilation! Saw it, knew what it was, saw it happening. And prayed for a God that He would not let such a thing have no meaning in the world.

And it was this very same tenacity - the tenacity of this individuality - that made the human soul stay alive after it left the body, imitating the shape of the body, holding itself together, so to speak, clinging to life, as it were, perpetuating itself, by shaping itself according to the only word it knew.

Man had invented or discovered God. [ Her voice is calm, polite and almost humbly instructive, no trace of the arrogance she carries in her voice on earth now. ] And in some instances, tribes worshiped more than one such deity who was perceived to have created this or that part of the world. And yes, humans knew of the souls of the dead surviving; and they did reach out to these souls and make offerings to them. They brought offerings to their graves. They cried out to these dead souls. They begged for their help in the hunt, and in the birthing of a child, in all things.

And as we angels peered into Sheol, as we passed into it, invisible, our essence causing no disturbance in a realm that was purely souls at that point... souls and nothing but souls ... we realized that these souls were strengthened in their survival by the attentions of those living on earth, by the love being sent to them by humans, by the thoughts of them in human minds. It was a process.

And just as with angels, these souls were individuals with varying degrees of intellect, interest, or curiosity. They were hosts as well to all human emotions, though in many, mercifully, all emotion was on the wane.

Some souls, for example, knew that they were dead, and sought to respond to the prayers of their children, and actively attempted to advise, speaking with all the power they could muster in a spiritual voice. They struggled to appear to their children. Sometimes they broke through for fleeting seconds, gathering to themselves swirling particles of matter by the sheer force of their invisible essence. Other times they made themselves visible in dreams, when the soul of the sleeping human was opened to other souls. They told their children of the bitterness and darkness of death, and that they must be brave and strong in life. They gave their children advice.

And they seemed, in some instances at least, to know that the belief and attention of their sons and daughters strengthened them. They requested offerings and prayers, they reminded the children of their duty. These souls were to some extent the least confused, except for one thing. They thought they had seen all there was to be seen.

No hint of Heaven. And no light from Heaven penetrated Sheol, nor any music. From Sheol one saw the darkness and the stars, and the people of Earth.

Not unbearable if you think you are a god to your children, of course, and can still derive strength from the mere sight of the libations they pour on your grave. Not if you feel pleasure in those who hearken to your advice and anger at those who don't, and not if you can communicate occasionally, sometimes with spectacular results.

Gods they seemed to their children. Ancestral gods of a certain kind. Not the Creator of All. Human beings had distinct ideas on both questions, as I've said.

I became greatly absorbed with this whole question of Sheol. I traveled the length and breadth of Sheol. Some of these souls didn't know they were dead. They knew only they were lost and blind and miserable and they cried all the time like infant humans. They were so weak I don't even think they felt the presence of other souls.

Other souls were clearly deluded. They thought they were still alive! They chased after their kindred, trying vainly to get the oblivious son or daughter to listen, when of course the kindred could not hear or see them; and these, these who thought they were still living, well, these had no presence of mind to gather matter to make themselves appear or to come to the living in a dream, because they didn't know they were dead.

To continue, some souls knew they were ghosts when they came to mortals. Others thought they were alive and the whole world had turned against them. Others simply drifted, seeing and hearing the sounds of other living beings but remote from this as if in a stupor or dream. And some souls died.

Before my very eyes, some died. And soon I realized many were dying. The dying soul would last a week, perhaps a month in human time, after its separation from the human body, retaining its shape, and then begin to fade. The essence would gradually disperse, just as did the essence inside an animal upon its death. Gone into the air, returned perhaps to the energy and essence of God.

Perhaps. Perhaps their energy went back into the Creator. Some might fancy that they were like the light of a candle returned to the eternal fire. I don't know. But that I did not see, little flames wafting to Heaven, drawn aloft by a mighty and loving blaze. No, I saw nothing of the kind.

From Sheol, the Light of God was not visible. For Sheol, the consolation of God did not exist. Yet these were spiritual beings, made in our image and His image, and clinging to that image, and hungering for a life beyond death. That was the agony. The hunger for the life beyond death.

Not that it was the case at all that the absence of this hunger would extinguish any souls at the time of death. The hunger, in fact, seemed innate. The hunger had to die out in Sheol before the soul would disintegrate. Indeed, souls went through many, many experiences in Sheol, and those who had become the strongest were those who perceived themselves as gods, or humans passed into the realm of the good God, and attentive to humans; and these souls gained power even to sway the others and strengthen them sometimes and keep them from fading away.

[ She pauses as if not sure how to proceed. Then, goes on. ]

There were some souls who understood things in a different way. They knew they weren't gods. They knew they were dead humans. They knew they didn't really have the right to change the destiny of those who prayed to them; they knew that the libations essentially were symbolic. These souls understood the meaning of the concept symbolic. They knew. And they knew they were dead and they perceived themselves to be lost. They would have reentered the flesh if they could have. For there in the flesh was all the light and warmth and comfort that they had ever known and could still see. And sometimes these souls managed to do exactly that!

I witnessed it in various different fashions. I saw these souls deliberately descend and take possession of a stupefied mortal, take over his limbs and brain and live in him until the man gained the strength to throw the soul off. You know these things. All men do - what is involved in possession.

[Des rests his forehead against his knee and inhales through his nose, but says nothing. She's touching on things he's often stayed awake at night thinking about. You want to die so badly, but you don't understand a lick of what happens after. Has it ever occurred to you that it might be more terrifying than being alive?

But it never makes the ache fade. The minute such a simple notion could penetrate his stubborness, he would want to live and the curse would be lifted when next he sought death out, or so his understanding went.]

[ as heaven is wide - garbage ]

But this was the dawn of such invention. And to watch these clever souls learn the rules of it, to see them grow ever more powerful, was something to behold.

And what I could not fail to be frightened by, being the Accuser that I am, and horrified by Nature, as God calls it, what I could not ignore was that these souls did have an effect on living women and men! There were those living humans already who had become oracles. They would smoke or drink some potion to render their own minds passive, so that a dead soul might speak with their voice!

And because these powerful spirits - for I should call them spirits now - because these powerful spirits knew only what Earth and Sheol could teach them, they might urge human beings on to terrible mistakes. I saw them order men into battle; I saw them order executions. I saw them demand blood sacrifice of human beings.

I saw, essentially, the Creation of Religion out of Man. Insofar as Man can Create anything. Let us not forget Who Created us all. [ there's nothing mocking in her tone, which may or may not be surprising ]

We gathered, the other angels and I, exchanged stories in amazement, then went off again on our own explorations; we were more entangled with the earth than we had ever been. But essentially, the reactions of angels varied. Some, the Seraphim mainly, thought the whole process was downright marvelous; that God deserved a thousand anthems in praise that his Creation should lead to a being who could evolve an invisible deity from itself who would then command it to ever greater efforts at survival or war.

Then there were those who thought, 'This is an error, this is an abomination! These are the souls of humans pretending to be Gods! This is unspeakable and must be stopped immediately.'

And then there was my passionate reaction: 'This is really ghastly and it is headed for worse and worse disasters! This is the beginning of an entirely new stage of human life, bodiless, yet purposeful and ignorant, which is gaining momentum every second, and filling the atmosphere of the world with potent interfering entities as ignorant as the humans round whom they swirled, with no direction from God, as their truly divine counterparts in Toril.'

Of course, some of the angels were vehemently in agreement with me, but as Michael said, 'Trust in God, Azrael, Who has done this. God knows the Divine Scheme.'

Michael and I had the most extensive dialogues. Raphael and Gabriel and Uriel had not come down, by the way, as part of this mission. And the reason for that is fairly simple. Almost never do all of those four go the same way, save for on the most powerful of divine missions. It's a law with them, a custom, a... a vocation, that two are always on hand in heaven for the call of God; and never do all four leave at once for any considerable time. In this instance, Michael was the only one who wanted to come.

Michael may be on the side of God, but those who side with us are no stranger to him. In fact, you might be surprised by how compassionately Michael can understand our endeavors - even though he still works against them. But our endeavors are not unreconcilable to heaven, surely, or we would not be allowed to do what we do.

All those of the bene ha elohim whom I describe to you are alive now. They are immortal, save their souls are smited by the hand of the Creator himself, I do believe. Now, there were souls in Sheol at that time who no longer exist, not in any form I know of, but perhaps they do in some form known to God.

Anyways, as I watched all this, as it filled me with fear, I tried to think of it in terms of God's statement about nature - that we would begin to see humankind were part of nature.

But I couldn't make such a relation except in terms of the endless exchange of energy and Matter. The souls were energy; yet they retained a knowledge from Matter. Beyond that, I could not reconcile it. But for Michael, there was another view. We were on a stairway, were we not? The lowest molecules of inorganic matter constituted the lowest steps. These disembodied souls occupied the step above man yet below angels. It was all one flowing procession to Michael, but then again, Michael trusted that God was doing all this deliberately and wanted it this way.

I could not believe this! Because the suffering of the souls horrified me. It hurt Michael too. He covered his ears. And the death of the souls horrified me. If souls could live, then why not let all know! And were they doomed forever to exist in this gloom? What else in nature remained so static? Had they become as sentient asteroids forever orbiting the planet, moons that could scream and cry and weep?

I asked Michael, 'What will happen? Tribes pray to different souls. These souls become their gods. Some are stronger than others. Look at the war everywhere, the battle.'

'But Azrael,' he said, 'primates did this before they had souls. Everything in Nature eats and is eaten. This is what God has been trying to tell you since Lucifer first began to cry out in protest at the sound of suffering from the Earth. These soul-god-spirits are expressions of humans, and part of humankind, born of humans and sustained by humans, and even if these spirits grow in strength to where they can manipulate living people exquisitely, they are nevertheless born out of Matter and part of Nature as God said.'

'So Nature is this unspeakable unfolding horror,' I said. 'It is not enough that a shark swallows whole the infant dolphin and that the butterfly is crushed in the teeth of the wolf who chews it up, oblivious to its beauty. It's not enough. Nature must go further, and spin from matter these spirits in torment. Nature comes this close to Heaven, but it is so far short of it that only Sheol will do for the name of this place.'

This speech was too much for Michael. One cannot speak this way to the Archangel Michael. Just doesn't work. So at once he turned away from me, not angrily, not in cowardice that God's thunderbolt might miss me by a fraction and shatter his left wing. But he turned away in silence, as if to say, Azrael, you are impatient and unwise. Then he turned and mercifully said, 'Azrael, you do not look deep enough. These souls have only begun their evolution. Who knows how strong they may become? Man has stepped into the invisible. What if he is meant to become as we are?'

'But how is that to happen, Michael?' I demanded. 'How are these souls to know what are angels and what is Heaven? Do you think if we made ourselves visible to them and told them that they... ' I stopped. Even I knew this was unthinkable. I wouldn't have dared. Not in millions of years would I have dared.

But no sooner had this thought occurred to us, had we begun brooding over it, than other angels gathered with us, and Zerachiel said, 'Look, living people know that we are here.'

'How so?' I demanded. As sorry as I felt for humanity, I didn't consider mortal men and women very smart. But these angels explained immediately.

'Some have sensed our presence. They sense it as they sense the presence of a dead soul. It is the same part of the brain which perceives other things invisible; I tell you we have been glimpsed and we shall now be imagined by these people. You will see.'

'This can't be God's wish,' said Michael. 'I say we return to Heaven at once.'

The majority agreed with him instantly, the way angels agree, without a sound. I stood alone looking at the entire multitude.

'Well?' I said. 'God has given me my mission. I cannot go back until I understand,' I insisted. 'And I don't understand.'

There ensued a huge argument. But finally Michael kissed me as angels always kiss, tenderly on the lips and cheeks, and went up to Heaven, and the whole league ascended with him.

And I remained, standing on the earth alone. I did not pray to God; I did not look to men; I looked to myself and I thought, What shall I do? I do not wish to be seen as an angel. I do not wish to be worshiped like these surviving souls. I do not wish to anger God; but I have to fulfill His commandment to me. I have to understand. Now, I am invisible. But what if I can do what these clever souls do - that is, gather matter to me to make for myself a body - gather sufficient tiny particles from all the world - and who knows better than I do what a man is made of, having seen him evolve from his earliest stages, who knows better the makeup of tissue and cell and bone and fiber and brain matter than I know? Except God?

So I did it. I focused my entire will and strength upon constructing for myself a living sheath of human flesh, complete in all parts and I chose - without even thinking about it - to be male. [ she casts a small smirk in his direction ] Does this require an explanation?

Edited 2014-02-03 20:53 (UTC)

Nope. [Des still has his head on his knee, wheezing out a laugh. He's starting to get a feel for this story, though he still feels distanced from it. Like a person of privilege in a room full of people who have nothing, he sympathizes but can't possibly understand.

And he knows the story is unfolding towards the real truth- the truth that haunts him with every breath. Why was he cursed? And that keeps his head down and his eyes shut.]

[ a nod ] I thought you'd understand. I had seen enough, as I'm sure you have, of rape, childbirth, and helpless struggle to make the wiser choice then. But sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I wonder if things would have been entirely different if I had chosen to be female at the time. I could have. The females resemble us more, truly. But if we are both, then surely we are more male than female. It is not in equal parts.

So, I became sheathed in flesh. It took a little longer than one might suppose. I had to consciously evoke every bit of knowledge in my angelic memory; I had to construct the body, and then insert my essence in it exactly in the manner in which the natural life essence would have been inside it; and I had to surrender; that is, encase myself within this body; really go into it, and fill out its limits and not panic. Then I had to look through its eyes.

The process involved no pain. Only submission. And for no good reason, really, or should I say from simple Nature, to use God's favorite word, I sheathed my own self, my own essence in flesh. Only the wings did I leave out of the scheme altogether, and so I stood as tall as an angel, and as I walked to the water of a clear pool near me and looked down in it, I saw Azrael for the first time in material form. I saw exactly myself, my fair hair, my eyes, my skin, all the gifts God had given me in invisible form made manifest in flesh.

I realized immediately that this was too much! I was too large all over; I was blazing with the essence inside me! This would not work. And so instantly I began to reshape and scale down the entire body until it resembled more myself the size of a man.

It is neither an impossible, nor terribly simple operation. It is not like pressing the keys of a complex computer program and sitting back and watching the machine execute the commands one by one. On the other hand, it is not cumbersome and overly conscious. It merely takes angelic knowledge, angelic patience, and angelic will.

Now a man stood beside the pool, naked, blond of hair and light of eye, very similar to many of those who inhabited the region, though perhaps more nearly perfect, and endowed with physical organs of reasonable but not splendid size.

Now as my essence went into these organs, into the scrotum and the penis, to be specific, I felt something which had been utterly unknown to me as an angel. Utterly unknown. It was compounded of many realizations. I knew gender. I knew maleness; I knew a certain human vulnerability firsthand now rather than from watching and sensing; and I was very surprised at how powerful I felt.

I had expected to be quaking with humility in this form! To be shivering with indignity at the mere smallness of myself, and my immobility and a host of other things. But I didn't feel this. I had never been material. I had never, never thought about doing it. I had never, never even thought of wanting to see what I might look like in an earthly mirror. I knew my image from its reflections in the eyes of other angels. I knew my parts because I could see them with my angelic eyes.

But now I was a man. I felt the brain inside my skull. I felt its wet, intricate, and near-chaotic mechanics; its layers and layers of tissue, involving as it does the earliest stages of evolution, and wedding them to a wealth of higher cells in the cortex in a manner that seemed utterly illogical and yet totally natural - natural if you knew what I, as an angel, knew.

Such as that emotions stirred in the limbic part of my brain could take hold of me without having first made themselves known to my consciousness. That can't happen with an angel. Our emotions cannot slip by our conscious minds. We cannot feel irrational terror. At least I don't think so. And whatever the case, I certainly didn't think so then when I stood on the earth, in the flesh of a man.

I was in a wild, wooded area, as I was in this very valley which is Palestine, if you would know it, before it was ever called Palestine, as I was here, I was aware that this body was food for wild animals, and so I did create around myself, of angelic essence, an extremely strong shield. It behaved electrically. That is, when an animal approached me, which happened almost immediately, it was repulsed by this shield.

And thus shielded, I decided to start walking all through the nearby settlements of men and to look at things, knowing full well no one could hurt me or push me or attack me or anything else. Yet I would not appear miraculous. On the contrary, I would seem to dodge the blows if any were dealt, and I would seek to behave in such a manner that nobody noticed me at all.

I waited for nightfall, and went to the nearest encampment, which was the largest in the area and had grown so in strength that it now exacted tribute from other encampments nearby. This was a huge circular walled gathering place, full of individual huts in which men and women lived. Fires burnt in each hut. There was a central place where everyone gathered. There were gates to be locked at night.

I slipped inside, slumped down beside a hut, and watched for hours what the people of this encampment did in the twilight and then by dark, I crept from place to place. I peered inside the little doorways. I watched many things.
"The next day, I watched from the forest. I tracked a band of hunters, so that they did not see me, but I could see them. When I was glimpsed, I ran, which seemed the acceptable and predictable behavior. Nobody chased me.

I hung around the thriving life of these humans for three days and three nights and during this time, I knew their limits, I knew their bodily needs and aches, and I had gradually come to know their lust, because all of a sudden, I discovered it flaming inside of me.

This is how it happened. Twilight. The third day. I had come to an entire score of conclusions as to why these people were not part of Nature. I had an entire case to make to God. I was almost about to leave.

But one thing which has always fascinated angels, and which I had not experienced in the flesh, was sexual union. Now as an invisible angel one can come quite close to those coupled, and see into their half-shut eyes, and hear their cries, and touch the flushed flesh of the woman's breast and feel her heart race.

Countless times I'd done this. And I realized now that passionate union - a true experience of it - could be crucial to my case. I knew thirst. I knew hunger. I knew pain. I knew weariness. I knew about how these people lived and felt and thought and talked to each other. But I really didn't know what happened in sexual union.

And at twilight on the third day, as I stood by this very sea, here, far, far from the encampment, looking towards it miles to our right, there came towards me as if out of nowhere a beautiful woman -a daughter of man.

[ her voice softens ] Look upon her, Des. I want you to see her, as I did.

[Des raises his eyes, simultaneously curious and a bit uncomfortable, and does as Azrael asks.

If this gets porny, he is out. He did not agree to that.]

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i lied 3/5??

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